So, not even a month ago, I put a scratch in some truck and it kind of caused me to not be in school for the time being. You know. Because I need money to pay for it and all. And other things. But I was okay with that. I mean, I figured I needed a break to get ready to start working on my psychology degree and get myself situated to move out, anyway.
But then last night, I rear ended someone and now the front of my car is gone and my insurance company could very well drop me.
Okay. Quick rant. Your car was designed with a dang turn signal for a reason. Use the dang turn signal so that people don't have to slam on their breaks and rear end people and wreck their cars and make little girls cry and further complicate the life of newly graduated 18 year old who just wants to figure things out and now has to work even more to try to get a headstart on her career, but now can't because all of her money will be going to fix all of the cars involved in the stupid accident that you caused.
I'm so good at putting blame on everyone but myself. But in all honesty, I'm just a bad driver and it was my fault more than I want to admit. First off, I'm a woman. Second off, I'm part Asian. Sorry not sorry.
But that stereotype thing is just another way of me trying to get out of the responsibility I know is on me. That little girl crying was my fault. She was crying because my car was destroyed. Not even because I hit her and it was scary. Because my car got messed up. I love kids. I can't come to terms with that.
And that's probably because of how prideful I am. Goodness. I discovered last night that I had deeper things to deal with than the ghettomobile getting destroyed.
I hate attention most of the time. You get a whole lot of attention when you cause a wreck on the middle of a busy road. That was embarrassing. And what made it worse was that I was on a little mission, getting change from different stores. I just wanted to do it because I was trying to prove that I was capable of being in control of things. Because that means a lot to me. More than it should. And of course, I would have to wreck my car in the process of proving myself responsible.
There's this Avett Brothers song that just says, "Shame, shame, boatloads of shame" a lot, and that was me last night. I felt terribly stupid with every phone call I made. I had to call my boss, my coworker, my parents, my boyfriend. And then word spread and I got even more calls and had to talk to everyone else as well. They were just concerned, I know. But I couldn't handle that. I felt like the dumbest person alive. And me having to explain it over and over and over again really did a lot to my pride.
Here's the worst part of it. I'm very competitive at work. Extremely so. And one of my coworkers came out to where I was waiting with the cops to pick up the money I had got before the wreck. And she was concerned. She gave me a charger, offered to stay with me, told me she loved me, hugged me a lot. And literally, my pride was so hurt that I was just angry. I know she didn't have bad intentions, but I felt so ashamed that anyone had to see me and what I'd done, especially someone I had tried so hard to prove my capabilities to. So yeah. Didn't handle that, or anything, how I should have.
And my pride is still working on me. I wanted to kick God and just about everyone else out of my life last night because I was so sick of Him (and them) having to deal with this. Because I'm just that prideful. I literally said, "God. Please leave. I can't handle you having to put up with me being so stupid and irresponsible. I know it hurts you when I keep making mistakes."
And God said something a little like, "How about not. Can we just take a second to remember just how much I love you, and how much effort I've put into proving that to you? Why would I invest so much into you and leave just because you're not perfect? It's a process, love, one I'm committed to. I meant it when I made covenant with you. You breaking that off wouldn't heal my pain I feel when I see you struggling at all. It would only make it worse to know that you won't accept my help. I don't mind that you need help. That's what I'm here for. That's what love is. I'm not disappointed, not in the least. And I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard you fight it, or how high you let your wall of pride grow. My love is bigger than that, and if you think you can keep me out because of your dysfunction, just know that you're only increasing my drive to fight for you. I'm here. I mean it. I'll pursue you with love you've never even heard of, and you're not going to have a choice but to forget about your shortcomings and to be consumed by the love that covers all imperfections. You're mine. Deal with it."
So yeah. I killed my car but at least I understand pride a little more.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Being nice is really mean.
Today I learned that you can be really nice and also really selfish.
So one of the attributes of love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, is kindness. I think we equate the definition of it to "niceness". So we get this idea that being nice to everyone proves that you are genuinely acting out of love.
Except, niceness can actually stem from fear and inadequacy and a lost sense of identity. All of these are in direct opposition to love, the very thing we claim to be operating out of when we are being nice.
In Exodus 32, when the Israelites are at the foot of Mount Sinai, waiting for Moses to return with God's commandments, they lose sight and begin craving a new object to throw worship at. So, they come up to Aaron, the priest, and tell him to make them some gods who will go before them.
When Aaron later recounts to Moses the origin of the golden calf that became Israel's new idol, he tells it as if he wasn't to be held responsible for giving into their requests.
"You know how prone these people are to evil... they gave me the gold, and I threw it in the fire, and out came this calf!"
(v. 22-24)
"You know how prone these people are to evil." Aaron knew, very well, that giving the Israelites an idol was wrong. As the priest of the new nation, he knew he should have directed his people to the truth, reminded them of what their God had done for them in delivering them from the hands of the Egyptians. Even if he didn't have a good argument, he should have told them no, at least. He knew God's power and the judgment that He passed on the Egyptians right before them. He knew that giving the Israelites an idol was subjecting them to the wrath of God. God's whole purpose in rescuing them in the first place was to bring them to Himself and show the world that He is the true God. Of course He wouldn't be okay with the Israelites turning and giving the glory to an idol.
Aaron knew that. And Aaron wasn't afraid to stand up for what he knew was right. We see that demonstrated through him standing up to pharaoh with Moses. Aaron was the one who did all the talking, since Moses had that speech problem. He wasn't afraid to demand that the pharaoh let his people go, yet he refused to tell his own people that worshipping an idol was a bad idea once they were freed from Egypt's reign.
Aaron wasn't scared. He was just a pushover. A really bad one. Even knowing the weight of the people's decision and the consequences that it would have, he gave into what they requested. Because he wanted to appease them right then and there. He didn't know what to do without offending them, so he took the easy way out and was nice about it.
Aaron was nice. Yet he demonstrated the exact opposite of love; the antithesis of kindness. The fact that he stooped so low just to avoid offending the people says a lot about his character. He must've been insecure if he needed the affirmation that badly. He hurt, even indirectly killed, the very people he wanted to gain approval and affection from, once the wrath of God caught up with the people's decision.
That is the definition of selfishness. Disregarding the future consequences someone will face just to gain their affection in the present. Not telling someone that they're making a horrible decision. Letting them slide when they're not doing what they need to be doing. Hiding the truth just to make them happy now. Yeah, you might not be very nice for telling them the truth, but at least you're demonstrating true love and concern, and you are operating from a point of complete identification in Christ, so that you do not need their approval and affection to stand firm in your convictions.
I don't know why it took me so long to understand this. But I don't think kindness always looks like niceness. They're completely different and stem from two entirely different positions and motives.
So one of the attributes of love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, is kindness. I think we equate the definition of it to "niceness". So we get this idea that being nice to everyone proves that you are genuinely acting out of love.
Except, niceness can actually stem from fear and inadequacy and a lost sense of identity. All of these are in direct opposition to love, the very thing we claim to be operating out of when we are being nice.
In Exodus 32, when the Israelites are at the foot of Mount Sinai, waiting for Moses to return with God's commandments, they lose sight and begin craving a new object to throw worship at. So, they come up to Aaron, the priest, and tell him to make them some gods who will go before them.
When Aaron later recounts to Moses the origin of the golden calf that became Israel's new idol, he tells it as if he wasn't to be held responsible for giving into their requests.
"You know how prone these people are to evil... they gave me the gold, and I threw it in the fire, and out came this calf!"
(v. 22-24)
"You know how prone these people are to evil." Aaron knew, very well, that giving the Israelites an idol was wrong. As the priest of the new nation, he knew he should have directed his people to the truth, reminded them of what their God had done for them in delivering them from the hands of the Egyptians. Even if he didn't have a good argument, he should have told them no, at least. He knew God's power and the judgment that He passed on the Egyptians right before them. He knew that giving the Israelites an idol was subjecting them to the wrath of God. God's whole purpose in rescuing them in the first place was to bring them to Himself and show the world that He is the true God. Of course He wouldn't be okay with the Israelites turning and giving the glory to an idol.
Aaron knew that. And Aaron wasn't afraid to stand up for what he knew was right. We see that demonstrated through him standing up to pharaoh with Moses. Aaron was the one who did all the talking, since Moses had that speech problem. He wasn't afraid to demand that the pharaoh let his people go, yet he refused to tell his own people that worshipping an idol was a bad idea once they were freed from Egypt's reign.
Aaron wasn't scared. He was just a pushover. A really bad one. Even knowing the weight of the people's decision and the consequences that it would have, he gave into what they requested. Because he wanted to appease them right then and there. He didn't know what to do without offending them, so he took the easy way out and was nice about it.
Aaron was nice. Yet he demonstrated the exact opposite of love; the antithesis of kindness. The fact that he stooped so low just to avoid offending the people says a lot about his character. He must've been insecure if he needed the affirmation that badly. He hurt, even indirectly killed, the very people he wanted to gain approval and affection from, once the wrath of God caught up with the people's decision.
That is the definition of selfishness. Disregarding the future consequences someone will face just to gain their affection in the present. Not telling someone that they're making a horrible decision. Letting them slide when they're not doing what they need to be doing. Hiding the truth just to make them happy now. Yeah, you might not be very nice for telling them the truth, but at least you're demonstrating true love and concern, and you are operating from a point of complete identification in Christ, so that you do not need their approval and affection to stand firm in your convictions.
I don't know why it took me so long to understand this. But I don't think kindness always looks like niceness. They're completely different and stem from two entirely different positions and motives.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
The Irrelevant Hot Dog
I feel uncomfortable even having to mention this again.
So when I was doing mission work in Memphis all this past summer, I, for a couple weeks, was in charge of "Street Clean-Up" in the afternoons. So basically I led these church groups from other states around inner city Memphis and picked up trash with them.
First off... People get really angry when they pay to be on a mission trip for a week and then spend their afternoons picking up trash. It's not "spiritual". So for them to not be super pissed off and petty, which they still usually were, I would tell them the history of how street clean-up got started as a part of the ministry, which I was informed of from the beginning by this awkward sheet of paper.
So the story goes: the pastor was walking around. He saw an unofficial trash heap in an empty lot. There was a girl sitting in the trash and eating a hot dog. He decided to take teams out to clean. Now we clean. For hot dog girl. And now the community likes us. So we clean up just to show the people that we care about them and that we don't want their children eating hot dogs in trash. And other spiritual things.
I always felt super awkward talking about that. Because how irrelevant is the hot dog that the girl was eating? I don't like pointless details, and that hot dog was super pointless.
So I hated that all summer. And I never even met hot dog girl.
But it was a funny thing. Because when we would go out and pick up trash, these kids would run up to us and want to help. They'd want to talk to us. And I, being the one with the staff shirt, would take the liberty to forget all about the stupid trash and go pick up the kid without shoes who wanted to run through the broken beer bottles to get to us.
And suddenly that kid's bare feet were very relevant to me and why I wanted to spend my afternoons picking up trash. It wasn't about the work I was doing. It was about the barefoot kid and the beer bottles that became a part of my heart because of where I was placed.
So after that I kinda got why I had to always talk about the hot dog. It was relevant to the pastor's heart for the community. That little detail is what broke his heart and made him want to do something.
And so now when I do any sort of community service, I specifically pray for hot dog girl. Because it doesn't matter what I'm doing, honestly. I can be picking up trash or painting houses or sorting paperwork. But I always pray that I'm not focused on completing my task for the sake of completing my task and being able to say I put in my hours to help the community. I pray that doing whatever I do leads me to come into contact with something that breaks my heart. A silly little detail that changes the way I see things. And when you look at it that way, you can kinda start to see that it's a matter of the heart. If you say you're about ministry, you should be overflowing with love with everyone around you. You should be all about helping everyone in any way you can and allowing your heart to be broken, not doing an organized "ministry" activity and calling yourself a missionary because of it.
You minister right where you are. Whether it's organized or not. Your heart's intention should be apparent by the way you are willing to work to change the things that are not aligned with the way you know they should be. That's what ministry is, I think. Doing "unspiritual" things and expecting God to show you His heart for the people involved. And that whole heart portion of it is what matters.
(That means that work and school and buying coffee can be ministry. Just let your heart break and open yourself up to initiating change where you see it needs to happen. It's not about what you're doing. It's about your heart's motive in it. That is all.)
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Bread Rain & a Dented Silverado
Yesterday was the first day in literally a month that I didn't cry over something stupid.
For example, the day before, I was chopping some onions and I started sobbing. The day before, I burnt my hand on a toaster again. Before that, my cat died, and before that, the stars were really pretty and I saw some cows and I ended up on a back country road that makes your stomach jump when you go twenty miles over the speed limit when going over a hill.
I should have cried yesterday. Let's be honest.
It was my first day of college classes, and I had to travel between campuses. I put literally 50 miles on my car just going to school and had to drive on a six lane interstate to get home. So, I felt super hip and independent just being alone in my car for two hours. Except that became insanity or mental illness or something, because then I tried to park for my afternoon class and I drove my ghetto little (big) car into a nice new Silverado that belonged to some popular guy and the cops and my mother had to come out and everyone laughed at me.
I'm taking a break from school, and from driving 50 miles a day on a six lane interstate in my ghetto car.
And it's terrifying. I spent so much time thinking about what graduated adult Hannah Durham would do, and now I am graduated adult Hannah Durham and I'm not in school and I don't see my ministry God promised, and I'm sitting at Starbucks because I have no where to be before I go to work at the frozen yogurt store down the road.
I just got given a free mug and free coffee and a giant gingerbread Starbucks syrup thing. I think the coffee gods are giving me charity.
But here's what God told me yesterday, before I dented the Silverado and before I felt like a drop out with mental illness: My provision doesn't look how you expect it will, my dear.
And yes, He did tell me that while I was drinking Starbucks.
In Exodus, when the Israelites were out in the desert, God promised them that He would provide them food. And He did. He made it rain freaking bread. And when the Israelites saw it in the morning, all they could do was ask, "What is it?" (Which is what manna means.) "And Moses said to them, 'It is the bread that the Lord has given you to eat.' (Exodus 16:15 ESV)
That's when I would have said, "Moses. You obviously just ate a hallucenogenic cactus. How are you making any sense of this?"
Because the Israelites knew that the provision was coming. They were just expecting it on their terms. Nobody prayed for God to rain bread. So they couldn't recognize God's provision when it came.
So yeah, I'm super confused on why I had to drop my classes because I couldn't afford the gas and also now can't afford to pay for the dent in this kid's truck, or why I need to pick up full time hours when I thought I was supposed to still be a kid, or why things look nothing how I expected them to look when I told God to take my new year and turn it into a reflection of his glory.
What is this?
I didn't pray for no bread rain. But God gave me some bread rain. His ways are not my ways, and I don't have to understand the reason he does what he does. I just have to pray for the eyes to see that he is working everything for good. And he knows just what he is doing. And everything that happens can be used by him for his glory. It's shaping me into who I, specifically, adult graduated Hannah Durham, need to be. Even if it's less than glorious and makes no sense.
And accepting that has made me super happy. So happy that I laughed for about thirty minutes over my mirror falling off my car. I've got joy, at least. And confidence that God knows just how to provide.
Oh, this season will be good.
For example, the day before, I was chopping some onions and I started sobbing. The day before, I burnt my hand on a toaster again. Before that, my cat died, and before that, the stars were really pretty and I saw some cows and I ended up on a back country road that makes your stomach jump when you go twenty miles over the speed limit when going over a hill.
I should have cried yesterday. Let's be honest.
It was my first day of college classes, and I had to travel between campuses. I put literally 50 miles on my car just going to school and had to drive on a six lane interstate to get home. So, I felt super hip and independent just being alone in my car for two hours. Except that became insanity or mental illness or something, because then I tried to park for my afternoon class and I drove my ghetto little (big) car into a nice new Silverado that belonged to some popular guy and the cops and my mother had to come out and everyone laughed at me.
I'm taking a break from school, and from driving 50 miles a day on a six lane interstate in my ghetto car.
And it's terrifying. I spent so much time thinking about what graduated adult Hannah Durham would do, and now I am graduated adult Hannah Durham and I'm not in school and I don't see my ministry God promised, and I'm sitting at Starbucks because I have no where to be before I go to work at the frozen yogurt store down the road.
I just got given a free mug and free coffee and a giant gingerbread Starbucks syrup thing. I think the coffee gods are giving me charity.
But here's what God told me yesterday, before I dented the Silverado and before I felt like a drop out with mental illness: My provision doesn't look how you expect it will, my dear.
And yes, He did tell me that while I was drinking Starbucks.
In Exodus, when the Israelites were out in the desert, God promised them that He would provide them food. And He did. He made it rain freaking bread. And when the Israelites saw it in the morning, all they could do was ask, "What is it?" (Which is what manna means.) "And Moses said to them, 'It is the bread that the Lord has given you to eat.' (Exodus 16:15 ESV)
That's when I would have said, "Moses. You obviously just ate a hallucenogenic cactus. How are you making any sense of this?"
Because the Israelites knew that the provision was coming. They were just expecting it on their terms. Nobody prayed for God to rain bread. So they couldn't recognize God's provision when it came.
So yeah, I'm super confused on why I had to drop my classes because I couldn't afford the gas and also now can't afford to pay for the dent in this kid's truck, or why I need to pick up full time hours when I thought I was supposed to still be a kid, or why things look nothing how I expected them to look when I told God to take my new year and turn it into a reflection of his glory.
What is this?
I didn't pray for no bread rain. But God gave me some bread rain. His ways are not my ways, and I don't have to understand the reason he does what he does. I just have to pray for the eyes to see that he is working everything for good. And he knows just what he is doing. And everything that happens can be used by him for his glory. It's shaping me into who I, specifically, adult graduated Hannah Durham, need to be. Even if it's less than glorious and makes no sense.
And accepting that has made me super happy. So happy that I laughed for about thirty minutes over my mirror falling off my car. I've got joy, at least. And confidence that God knows just how to provide.
Oh, this season will be good.
Oh.
*2013 Repost*
So I was like, “God. Thanks that you’re so committed to shaping my life. I mean, if anyone should be committed, it’s me. This is my life. I don’t know why you even take the time to work on the process of healing me and transforming me. This isn’t your life. It’s mine.”
Then God’s like, “You are not your own. You were bought with a price. Of course I’m invested into seeing you change! My down payment to redeem you was me dying on a cross. I paid for the opportunity to call you mine and shape you into the person I always knew you could be. I paid for the opportunity to be given room to work with what you’ve got. I’m not going to give up on what I paid so much for.”
Then I was like, “Oh.”
So I was like, “God. Thanks that you’re so committed to shaping my life. I mean, if anyone should be committed, it’s me. This is my life. I don’t know why you even take the time to work on the process of healing me and transforming me. This isn’t your life. It’s mine.”
Then God’s like, “You are not your own. You were bought with a price. Of course I’m invested into seeing you change! My down payment to redeem you was me dying on a cross. I paid for the opportunity to call you mine and shape you into the person I always knew you could be. I paid for the opportunity to be given room to work with what you’ve got. I’m not going to give up on what I paid so much for.”
Then I was like, “Oh.”
Salem
*2013 Repost*
So around Halloween, people get all psyched out about weird stuff. Or they just see it as an excuse to dress up like a pony, whatever. But anyway, if you’re into all that creepy Halloween stuff, Salem is the place to be, because of all of that Salem Witch Trial stuff. It’s fun, I guess, getting scared about witches. But Christians get all weird about it. They call it satanic and all of that stuff. I’m not gonna lie, it can get a little weird, but let me just ask this: What’s worse, the Halloween festivals or the way Christians acted during the Salem Witch trials?
What was the point of those again? A bunch of Christians getting together to judge people and kill them if they thought they were wrong? So yes, if I were an atheist looking for a reason to hate Christians, that would be my reasoning right there. Because here’s the thing: No matter how much we as Christians condemn what happened at the Salem witch trials, and no matter how much we disassociate ourselves with that as a religion, a lot of us are still very much the same as the ones who burned people at the stake.
We have this attitude, as Christians in general. Not all, but enough for it to bother me. It’s something like, “I’m right and I know I’m right. You’re wrong and I know you’re wrong. You can argue with me all you want, but I win in the end. And that’s that. So you can argue all you want. Because I’ll win. And in the end, the reason I argue with you is because I want you to admit that I’m right. I don’t care if things work out for you. I just want to be right. So go right ahead and believe what you believe, and when you’re burning in hell, you’ll wish you would have listened to me.”
Tell me that’s not the exact same attitude that made church members pick people from the community and throw them in water to see if they’d drown, just to prove that they were a witch. We pick up nonbelievers and, basically, try to throw them into hell just to prove that we as Christ-believers are right. A lot of the time, we don’t want to be right to save people or promote the love of God. We want to be right because it makes us look better. It proves we aren’t delusional. You’ll see one day, we seethe.
So we have an attitude like that, yet think we’re morally superior to nonbelievers because we usually don’t cuss and usually don’t smoke.
Okay. I, for one, am going to give myself higher standards to live by. Maybe, I’ll go all out, and actually try to care about people more than I care about being better than them. Like, you know, how Jesus did.
So around Halloween, people get all psyched out about weird stuff. Or they just see it as an excuse to dress up like a pony, whatever. But anyway, if you’re into all that creepy Halloween stuff, Salem is the place to be, because of all of that Salem Witch Trial stuff. It’s fun, I guess, getting scared about witches. But Christians get all weird about it. They call it satanic and all of that stuff. I’m not gonna lie, it can get a little weird, but let me just ask this: What’s worse, the Halloween festivals or the way Christians acted during the Salem Witch trials?
What was the point of those again? A bunch of Christians getting together to judge people and kill them if they thought they were wrong? So yes, if I were an atheist looking for a reason to hate Christians, that would be my reasoning right there. Because here’s the thing: No matter how much we as Christians condemn what happened at the Salem witch trials, and no matter how much we disassociate ourselves with that as a religion, a lot of us are still very much the same as the ones who burned people at the stake.
We have this attitude, as Christians in general. Not all, but enough for it to bother me. It’s something like, “I’m right and I know I’m right. You’re wrong and I know you’re wrong. You can argue with me all you want, but I win in the end. And that’s that. So you can argue all you want. Because I’ll win. And in the end, the reason I argue with you is because I want you to admit that I’m right. I don’t care if things work out for you. I just want to be right. So go right ahead and believe what you believe, and when you’re burning in hell, you’ll wish you would have listened to me.”
Tell me that’s not the exact same attitude that made church members pick people from the community and throw them in water to see if they’d drown, just to prove that they were a witch. We pick up nonbelievers and, basically, try to throw them into hell just to prove that we as Christ-believers are right. A lot of the time, we don’t want to be right to save people or promote the love of God. We want to be right because it makes us look better. It proves we aren’t delusional. You’ll see one day, we seethe.
So we have an attitude like that, yet think we’re morally superior to nonbelievers because we usually don’t cuss and usually don’t smoke.
Okay. I, for one, am going to give myself higher standards to live by. Maybe, I’ll go all out, and actually try to care about people more than I care about being better than them. Like, you know, how Jesus did.
Alias
*2013 Repost*
I was thinking today about what it would be like to write a book about my work life. Okay, look, if you don’t think that would be interesting, you obviously have never ridden a bike through a frozen yogurt store or chased customers out the door and ran into the window while doing so.
But, my first thought about writing the book was: If I do this, I’ll need an alias.
Because I want to publish books about Jesus, right? And I didn’t want all the stupid things I do associated with my name. Wouldn’t wanna hurt my reputation when people go to look at Christian books. And besides that, I would lose my job so hard.
It hit me so hard. How many times in my life have I wished I could use an alias? “Wouldn’t wanna hurt my reputation as a Christian, buuuut I would love to do this right now.” Am I right? How many times would I have done dumber things than I’ve already done if I knew my name wouldn’t get around for it? You know I wished I was using an alias that time I had to chase a kid down for stealing my phone and I called him everything the Bible says not to call someone.
But that’s the thing: Being a Christian isn’t about living up to a standard, and hiding yourself when your best efforts aren’t enough. It’s about being transformed. It’s about making mistakes, and being honest about them. It’s about having no shame, even when we fail, because we have forgiveness in Christ. And there’s no need for an alias, because when others see your life, they’ll see your mistakes, yes, but they’ll also see the transformation. They’ll see you get up and do better the next time. And that’s when they’ll wonder what you have that makes you so different. If they only saw you when you were perfect, how would they ever have an example of the work of the redemption of Christ?
No, don’t flaunt your sins to the world, hoping they’re inspired by how forgiven you are. But for the love of God, don’t try to compartmentalize your life to make some think you’re perfect and others think you’re the dumbest person alive. Just be your mistake-making, forgiven, perfectly imperfect self.
I was thinking today about what it would be like to write a book about my work life. Okay, look, if you don’t think that would be interesting, you obviously have never ridden a bike through a frozen yogurt store or chased customers out the door and ran into the window while doing so.
But, my first thought about writing the book was: If I do this, I’ll need an alias.
Because I want to publish books about Jesus, right? And I didn’t want all the stupid things I do associated with my name. Wouldn’t wanna hurt my reputation when people go to look at Christian books. And besides that, I would lose my job so hard.
It hit me so hard. How many times in my life have I wished I could use an alias? “Wouldn’t wanna hurt my reputation as a Christian, buuuut I would love to do this right now.” Am I right? How many times would I have done dumber things than I’ve already done if I knew my name wouldn’t get around for it? You know I wished I was using an alias that time I had to chase a kid down for stealing my phone and I called him everything the Bible says not to call someone.
But that’s the thing: Being a Christian isn’t about living up to a standard, and hiding yourself when your best efforts aren’t enough. It’s about being transformed. It’s about making mistakes, and being honest about them. It’s about having no shame, even when we fail, because we have forgiveness in Christ. And there’s no need for an alias, because when others see your life, they’ll see your mistakes, yes, but they’ll also see the transformation. They’ll see you get up and do better the next time. And that’s when they’ll wonder what you have that makes you so different. If they only saw you when you were perfect, how would they ever have an example of the work of the redemption of Christ?
No, don’t flaunt your sins to the world, hoping they’re inspired by how forgiven you are. But for the love of God, don’t try to compartmentalize your life to make some think you’re perfect and others think you’re the dumbest person alive. Just be your mistake-making, forgiven, perfectly imperfect self.
Always on the Other Side
*2013 Repost*
So I work at a frozen yogurt shop. You know what there’s a lot of in frozen yogurt shops? Frozen yogurt. You know what else? Small children with underdeveloped reasoning skills and parents who don’t seem to notice. So they stick their hands in yogurt and wipe it around various locations within the store. Especially the freaking glass door. Which means I spend a whole lot of freaking time spraying that freaking door with Windex. And I tend to get frustrated with it, since I can’t ever seem to tell which side the freaking stain is on whenever I’m wiping it down. I tend to think, “Oh, this stain’s not going anywhere. It must be on the other side of the glass. Oh well. I’ll do the other side later.” Then I do the other side later and the stain still isn’t gone. So then I give up and let it stay on the window, because I mean, it can always stay on the “other” side for all I care. If it’s not going anywhere, I’m in no hurry to investigate why it’s refusing to be clean. As long as I keep believing it’s not my fault, I have no problem leaving the door like a mess.
And I’m kinda realizing I do this with everything. The can opener’s broken? Well, guess these cans can stay closed today then. It’s not my fault. The light bulb’s broken in the home bathroom? Not my responsibility. Our dining room isn’t even visible under all these papers? Doesn’t mean I should do anything about it.
That girl over there doesn’t have anybody to talk to? How is that my problem? There’s a kid crying himself to sleep tonight because his daddy left today. What am I supposed to do? People are starving, people are being persecuted for their proclamations of faith, people are being judged by the church and starting to hate God, people are thinking about suicide, people are scared to go to school because they’re being bullied. But what am I supposed to do about it? I like to believe that these problems are on the other side of the glass. They’re something I can take care of another time, or perhaps leave for someone else to take care of. I try getting rid of the stains, I really do. I try to help people out, try to understand, try to direct them to Jesus. But as soon as I realize it’s not as easy as I thought it would be to eradicate, I give up. “Well, I tried,” I tell myself. And I leave it, my conscience eased knowing I at least showed some effort.
But if I don’t clean the glass, who will? If I leave it there, it may be erased from my mind, but never from reality. Maybe this is why God talks so much about perseverance. Maybe persevering isn’t just about accomplishing cool things in your life, or getting to the other side of a struggle you’re facing. Maybe it’s about persevering for the sake of the hungry kid and the broken widow. Because if you don’t, who will? Isn’t there some sort of responsibility we have that comes from the power we have in Christ?
So I work at a frozen yogurt shop. You know what there’s a lot of in frozen yogurt shops? Frozen yogurt. You know what else? Small children with underdeveloped reasoning skills and parents who don’t seem to notice. So they stick their hands in yogurt and wipe it around various locations within the store. Especially the freaking glass door. Which means I spend a whole lot of freaking time spraying that freaking door with Windex. And I tend to get frustrated with it, since I can’t ever seem to tell which side the freaking stain is on whenever I’m wiping it down. I tend to think, “Oh, this stain’s not going anywhere. It must be on the other side of the glass. Oh well. I’ll do the other side later.” Then I do the other side later and the stain still isn’t gone. So then I give up and let it stay on the window, because I mean, it can always stay on the “other” side for all I care. If it’s not going anywhere, I’m in no hurry to investigate why it’s refusing to be clean. As long as I keep believing it’s not my fault, I have no problem leaving the door like a mess.
And I’m kinda realizing I do this with everything. The can opener’s broken? Well, guess these cans can stay closed today then. It’s not my fault. The light bulb’s broken in the home bathroom? Not my responsibility. Our dining room isn’t even visible under all these papers? Doesn’t mean I should do anything about it.
That girl over there doesn’t have anybody to talk to? How is that my problem? There’s a kid crying himself to sleep tonight because his daddy left today. What am I supposed to do? People are starving, people are being persecuted for their proclamations of faith, people are being judged by the church and starting to hate God, people are thinking about suicide, people are scared to go to school because they’re being bullied. But what am I supposed to do about it? I like to believe that these problems are on the other side of the glass. They’re something I can take care of another time, or perhaps leave for someone else to take care of. I try getting rid of the stains, I really do. I try to help people out, try to understand, try to direct them to Jesus. But as soon as I realize it’s not as easy as I thought it would be to eradicate, I give up. “Well, I tried,” I tell myself. And I leave it, my conscience eased knowing I at least showed some effort.
But if I don’t clean the glass, who will? If I leave it there, it may be erased from my mind, but never from reality. Maybe this is why God talks so much about perseverance. Maybe persevering isn’t just about accomplishing cool things in your life, or getting to the other side of a struggle you’re facing. Maybe it’s about persevering for the sake of the hungry kid and the broken widow. Because if you don’t, who will? Isn’t there some sort of responsibility we have that comes from the power we have in Christ?
God has His own Dreams
*2013 Repost*
So it’s funny that the Bible makes so many jokes in itself that you would only understand of you read it in context.
But it’s not just funny, and it’s not necessarily a joke, except it kinda is. It’s amusing until you’re like, “Oh hey, this is in the Bible for a reason and I really need to be paying attention to it.
Okay. Anyway.
Tower of Babel. Fun story, right? Everybody knows it but doesn’t really know why they know it. Like, it’s told a lot in children’s church because it’s interesting, but it really doesn’t seem to offer much as far as life application. Thousands of years ago, some people tried to build a tower to make themselves look cool, God’s like NOPE, all of a sudden everyone speaks a different language.
I mean, what do you even say to that in response? “Hey God, please convict my heart if I’m building any cities or anything with people who should probably speak a different language than me.”
So maybe I’ll understand it really deeply one day, and it’ll be the greatest revelation, but I’m currently finding the next chapter in comparison to this one to be the revelation.
In Genesis 11, the people say to each other, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves…”
God didn’t want it. But in the very next chapter, He makes it very clear what He did want.
The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing… (Genesis 12:1, 2 NIV)
Go. I will make you into a great nation. I will make your name great.
That’s a lot different from, “Come. Let’s build a city and make a name for ourselves.”
God wanted better things for Abram than the Tower of Babel guys wanted for themselves. They just wanted a city and for their name to be great. God wanted a whole nation for Abram, and a name made great by the Name above all names.
So yeah. Maybe your aspirations are really really swell. Maybe you know what you want and you think you know how to get it. But maybe, just maybe, God’s got something better. It’ll require obedience, and downright ridiculous faith, as was required from Abram, but whatever you find in the land that God will show you is well worth the risk you take by leaving, even if you can’t even see the next step ahead.
So it’s funny that the Bible makes so many jokes in itself that you would only understand of you read it in context.
But it’s not just funny, and it’s not necessarily a joke, except it kinda is. It’s amusing until you’re like, “Oh hey, this is in the Bible for a reason and I really need to be paying attention to it.
Okay. Anyway.
Tower of Babel. Fun story, right? Everybody knows it but doesn’t really know why they know it. Like, it’s told a lot in children’s church because it’s interesting, but it really doesn’t seem to offer much as far as life application. Thousands of years ago, some people tried to build a tower to make themselves look cool, God’s like NOPE, all of a sudden everyone speaks a different language.
I mean, what do you even say to that in response? “Hey God, please convict my heart if I’m building any cities or anything with people who should probably speak a different language than me.”
So maybe I’ll understand it really deeply one day, and it’ll be the greatest revelation, but I’m currently finding the next chapter in comparison to this one to be the revelation.
In Genesis 11, the people say to each other, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves…”
God didn’t want it. But in the very next chapter, He makes it very clear what He did want.
The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing… (Genesis 12:1, 2 NIV)
Go. I will make you into a great nation. I will make your name great.
That’s a lot different from, “Come. Let’s build a city and make a name for ourselves.”
God wanted better things for Abram than the Tower of Babel guys wanted for themselves. They just wanted a city and for their name to be great. God wanted a whole nation for Abram, and a name made great by the Name above all names.
So yeah. Maybe your aspirations are really really swell. Maybe you know what you want and you think you know how to get it. But maybe, just maybe, God’s got something better. It’ll require obedience, and downright ridiculous faith, as was required from Abram, but whatever you find in the land that God will show you is well worth the risk you take by leaving, even if you can’t even see the next step ahead.
"Spreading out away from bad memories..."
*2013 Repost*
People hurt you. If nobody ever hurt you, trust wouldn’t mean anything. It means that much more when you’re able to trust someone in spite of what’s happened when you’ve let your guard down in the past. Because in the light of the past, you understand the risk you’re taking when you let people in. So when you finally do trust again, you have to consciously believe that this person is worth the risk. And I think being able to look at someone and tell them they’re worth trusting, even though you don’t trust people anymore, makes all the pain from the past worth it.
People hurt you. If nobody ever hurt you, trust wouldn’t mean anything. It means that much more when you’re able to trust someone in spite of what’s happened when you’ve let your guard down in the past. Because in the light of the past, you understand the risk you’re taking when you let people in. So when you finally do trust again, you have to consciously believe that this person is worth the risk. And I think being able to look at someone and tell them they’re worth trusting, even though you don’t trust people anymore, makes all the pain from the past worth it.
The Light Meets the Dark
*2013 Repost*
So in the Bible it talks about how all things come to light eventually. And that’s what I’m always scared of. I always wonder the means by which my deepest mistakes will be revealed. But when the light meets the dark, that’s when redemption is made possible. If you never come to terms with your reality, you’ll never be able to sort it out. You have to surrender it, and in doing so, you must tell the truth about it. And things do come out. I don’t know, maybe one day you’ll be standing center stage in front of your church during worship, doing your thing, and then Pastor will randomly say to the congregation something like, “Jesus thinks you’re worth it, even with your eating disorder.” And you’ll freeze and all of a sudden have no where to hide anymore. Because God called you out. Because the light invited itself in when your defenses were down. But in that moment, you have the choice to pretend you have yourself together, or you can let the light in. You can do something about it. You’ve already prayed, which is always the first step, but now you can work through it, because you no longer are occupied by trying to defend your secrets. You can find the cause of your problems and pull them by the roots. And this is the freedom we have in Christ, to say that we are no longer held by anything but the love of God.
So in the Bible it talks about how all things come to light eventually. And that’s what I’m always scared of. I always wonder the means by which my deepest mistakes will be revealed. But when the light meets the dark, that’s when redemption is made possible. If you never come to terms with your reality, you’ll never be able to sort it out. You have to surrender it, and in doing so, you must tell the truth about it. And things do come out. I don’t know, maybe one day you’ll be standing center stage in front of your church during worship, doing your thing, and then Pastor will randomly say to the congregation something like, “Jesus thinks you’re worth it, even with your eating disorder.” And you’ll freeze and all of a sudden have no where to hide anymore. Because God called you out. Because the light invited itself in when your defenses were down. But in that moment, you have the choice to pretend you have yourself together, or you can let the light in. You can do something about it. You’ve already prayed, which is always the first step, but now you can work through it, because you no longer are occupied by trying to defend your secrets. You can find the cause of your problems and pull them by the roots. And this is the freedom we have in Christ, to say that we are no longer held by anything but the love of God.
I'm still your child.
*2013 Repost*
It’s easy to get really hopelessly discouraged when reading 1 John 3. I mean, a lot of the chapter is along the lines of, “This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister.” (1 John 3:10 NIV) or, “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God.” (1 John 3:9 NIV)
And when you read that, if you’re anything like me, you try to really quickly come up with a replacement for a certain number of four letter words, because you realize that you’re screwed. You just messed up again last night. You knew what you were doing was wrong, and you did it anyway. Again. After you told God you didn’t ever want it to separate you from Him again. Does this make me a Satan child? Because that’s freaking terrifying.
And I wish I had some amazingly well-written Theological explanation using about five books of the New and Old Testament as reference to bring peace to this matter, but I don’t have all the answers. All I know is this: In Psalm 51:17 it says that a broken and contrite heart, God will not despise. Which means that every time you come to repentance (again) and you truly mean it, it would be against God’s character to scorn your request for forgiveness. In fact, in James 1, it says that God “gives without reproach”, which means He gives gifts, such as forgiveness, without reminding us of how terrible we’ve been in the past. When he gives us forgiveness without reproach, he forgets the past. He doesn’t hold forgiveness over our heads and make us jump for it, taunting us by saying, “Well, if you really want it. I mean, we both know you’re gonna screw it up again, but if you reaaaally want it…” False. He died because He wanted to give it to you!
And his mercies are new everyday, as it says in Lamentations 3. Everyday is a new day. Which means you may have screwed up the day before and the day before and the day before with the same sin, but God still sees each day as a new opportunity for you to fight. He sees it as another chance for you to run to Him instead of your sin. And God would have never told us His mercies were new everyday if He didn’t know we were going to keep struggling. He knows we fail so easily. He knows we’re gonna mess up again. That’s why He’s always there, ready to take us back.
So as for 1 John 3, the whole child of Satan thing- if you keep sinning, without repentance, without caring, without second thought, knowing you’re being disobedient to the King of Kings and enjoying the pain you inflict upon Him, loving your desires too much to even consider letting God change you, over and over and over again, then yeah, you might just be a little Satan. But there’s a difference between that and continually bringing your sin to the cross. Because the thing is, your sin is a matter of your heart. It’s a much deeper issue than what it seems. And your heart can only be changed by the Holy Spirit, who, going back to 1 John 3, is the manifestation of God remaining in us as we remain in Him. And like it says in Romans 8, if we have the Spirit, we are indeed His child. That being said, we are His child if we have accepted Christ as our savior and have made Him our Lord. Period. And the Holy Spirit, who we receive as God’s children, is the one in us who changes our hearts. And as long as we’re sensitive to lay ourselves down everyday, and run straight to Him when we do mess up, because He knows we will, He’ll always be there with open arms to welcome His child. And eventually, you’ll see His love and grace are enough for you, and eventually, you won’t want that sin anymore, and eventually, it won’t be anything. And that’s what we have to put our hope in- the fact that we are still His child, and because of that, we are empowered by His Spirit to leave our sin behind and live the life Jesus died to give us.
Abba
*2013 Repost*
To those of you who haven’t experienced the whole absent father thing, let me take a second to explain its effects. I work with inner city 4-12 year olds everyday, and countless times, I’ve watched a kid act out, start fighting, start hitting, start yelling, and then I’ve watched them immediately reduce to tears and fall on the ground. And when I ask what’s wrong, they give an answer like, “I miss my dad! He’s dead.” Or, “I want my daddy! He’s in the streets somewhere.” Or, “Has my dad asked about me?”
It’s real. This is yet another reason why this generation needs our Heavenly Father.
To those of you who haven’t experienced the whole absent father thing, let me take a second to explain its effects. I work with inner city 4-12 year olds everyday, and countless times, I’ve watched a kid act out, start fighting, start hitting, start yelling, and then I’ve watched them immediately reduce to tears and fall on the ground. And when I ask what’s wrong, they give an answer like, “I miss my dad! He’s dead.” Or, “I want my daddy! He’s in the streets somewhere.” Or, “Has my dad asked about me?”
It’s real. This is yet another reason why this generation needs our Heavenly Father.
Jesus can use random white girls.
*2013 Repost*
I finally found out what it means to love others like Jesus loves me.
For five weeks, I’ve been asking God to open up my eyes and show me how to love, and today, it finally clicked.
So there was something special about this week. I can’t quite name it. I think maybe it was just the fact that the team this week was insanely into loving these kids selflessly. Whatever it was, it was inspiring as crap. And today, as all the kids were pulling my hair and dog piling on my body and yelling, “CAN I GET ON YO NECK!?” and pulling me up, and pushing me down, and pulling me up, and pushing me down, something changed in me. I suddenly felt God impress on my heart that when Jesus was carrying His cross for me, He kept pushing, even when He was exhausted. Just because He loved me. Instead of letting exhaustion control my actions, the love of God overflowed. I felt myself become the hands and feet of Christ as I was strengthened by His love. And suddenly, I loved these kids a whole dang lot more than I thought I did, and I was all about wrestling them until I could no longer breathe. Even when it was time to corral the 13 kids on my mile long route for dismissal, as I was holding this kid, I felt love like I’ve never experienced before. The kid was heavy, but impressions of Jesus kept strengthening me to carry him further. Even when he started beating me in the head with a branch, I had grace to laugh and hug him tighter. Even this Spanish-only speaking kid was able to see the love of Christ through this random white girl.
And today, for the first time, I cried when I dropped the kids off. I didn’t want to wait the entire weekend to hold them and kiss their foreheads. Their smiles radiated like nothing I’d ever seen before. These kids, who when I first met them were clean of all childhood innocence and hardened to a point that scared me, were now hugging me incessantly and truly smiling the most genuine smiles I’ve ever seen. And that’s why I’m in inner city Memphis all summer. Just so I can see those smiles and know that the love of Christ and the truth of the Gospel is continually being put into their lives, offering them a hope they would never find in the streets. And that’s really all I could want.
The scary part is that I might just want to come back next year and do it all again.
I finally found out what it means to love others like Jesus loves me.
For five weeks, I’ve been asking God to open up my eyes and show me how to love, and today, it finally clicked.
So there was something special about this week. I can’t quite name it. I think maybe it was just the fact that the team this week was insanely into loving these kids selflessly. Whatever it was, it was inspiring as crap. And today, as all the kids were pulling my hair and dog piling on my body and yelling, “CAN I GET ON YO NECK!?” and pulling me up, and pushing me down, and pulling me up, and pushing me down, something changed in me. I suddenly felt God impress on my heart that when Jesus was carrying His cross for me, He kept pushing, even when He was exhausted. Just because He loved me. Instead of letting exhaustion control my actions, the love of God overflowed. I felt myself become the hands and feet of Christ as I was strengthened by His love. And suddenly, I loved these kids a whole dang lot more than I thought I did, and I was all about wrestling them until I could no longer breathe. Even when it was time to corral the 13 kids on my mile long route for dismissal, as I was holding this kid, I felt love like I’ve never experienced before. The kid was heavy, but impressions of Jesus kept strengthening me to carry him further. Even when he started beating me in the head with a branch, I had grace to laugh and hug him tighter. Even this Spanish-only speaking kid was able to see the love of Christ through this random white girl.
And today, for the first time, I cried when I dropped the kids off. I didn’t want to wait the entire weekend to hold them and kiss their foreheads. Their smiles radiated like nothing I’d ever seen before. These kids, who when I first met them were clean of all childhood innocence and hardened to a point that scared me, were now hugging me incessantly and truly smiling the most genuine smiles I’ve ever seen. And that’s why I’m in inner city Memphis all summer. Just so I can see those smiles and know that the love of Christ and the truth of the Gospel is continually being put into their lives, offering them a hope they would never find in the streets. And that’s really all I could want.
The scary part is that I might just want to come back next year and do it all again.
Memphis: Week 5
*2013 Repost*
It was another great week at Whittier! This week, Bethany Baptist Church brought a strong desire to see kids experience the love of Christ. We had tons of new kids show up, as well a bunch of “regular” kids who were excited to see the returning team after a year of being apart. The team this week was obviously passionate about what they were doing, and brought a good time and a high level of energy to the kids each day.
It was apparent that the kids had made strong connections with Bethany Baptist. On the last day, a number of kids were crying. At first I thought they were sick and I figured they should go home, but when asked why he didn’t want to participate, one kid answered, “It’s Friday. We have to say goodbye on Friday.” I don’t think I’ve seen that many hugs given before the walk home before.
I think the coolest thing was that the team never missed an opportunity to pour the love of Christ on the kids. No matter what was happening, the team found ways to turn the situation into a sermon, showing the kids practical ways to live like Christ. If this team left one message with the kids this week, it was that God’s mercy is new every morning, and that no matter the circumstance, they are all “winners” in Christ. I’m confident the kids will remember the love shown this week for years to come.
It was another great week at Whittier! This week, Bethany Baptist Church brought a strong desire to see kids experience the love of Christ. We had tons of new kids show up, as well a bunch of “regular” kids who were excited to see the returning team after a year of being apart. The team this week was obviously passionate about what they were doing, and brought a good time and a high level of energy to the kids each day.
It was apparent that the kids had made strong connections with Bethany Baptist. On the last day, a number of kids were crying. At first I thought they were sick and I figured they should go home, but when asked why he didn’t want to participate, one kid answered, “It’s Friday. We have to say goodbye on Friday.” I don’t think I’ve seen that many hugs given before the walk home before.
I think the coolest thing was that the team never missed an opportunity to pour the love of Christ on the kids. No matter what was happening, the team found ways to turn the situation into a sermon, showing the kids practical ways to live like Christ. If this team left one message with the kids this week, it was that God’s mercy is new every morning, and that no matter the circumstance, they are all “winners” in Christ. I’m confident the kids will remember the love shown this week for years to come.
Memphis: Week 4
*2013 Repost*
My weekly blog update for the Street Reach website:
This was an incredible week for Whittier. Midway Baptist Church partnered with Crestview Baptist Church to form an experienced team who was able to bring the kids an exciting, fun-filled week that led to the Gospel being lived out before them. The energy was unbelievable, especially in the face of 100 degree weather and a stormy Friday. So many times, I saw completely worn out members pushing themselves to play with the kids. Once the younger kids realized this team was up for anything, the kids began pushing their limits by randomly sprinting all over the place and expecting team members to chase them. Which they did. All day. It was beautiful to see the joy on the kids faces as the team chased them down and held them, leading to the tender moments the kids craved.
I’ve never seen the Bible club kids so eager to serve, but many times, I would find kids working along side the team, helping things get set up and making sure everyone was participating. I saw the older boys treat the male members with respect, since they’d grown so comfortable with the love they were being shown by them. By the end of the week, testimonies from the team had been shared, leading to kids opening up to me about their personal struggles I never would have imagined. Without these kids opening up, I never would have known to pray over these situations in their lives.
All in all, amongst the attention-grabbing and energetic songs, the several members who constantly had three or more kids on top of them, and the more serious issues that were confronted, Jesus was evident. I can only pray that we’ll have another week as fun and powerful as this one here at Whittier.
My weekly blog update for the Street Reach website:
This was an incredible week for Whittier. Midway Baptist Church partnered with Crestview Baptist Church to form an experienced team who was able to bring the kids an exciting, fun-filled week that led to the Gospel being lived out before them. The energy was unbelievable, especially in the face of 100 degree weather and a stormy Friday. So many times, I saw completely worn out members pushing themselves to play with the kids. Once the younger kids realized this team was up for anything, the kids began pushing their limits by randomly sprinting all over the place and expecting team members to chase them. Which they did. All day. It was beautiful to see the joy on the kids faces as the team chased them down and held them, leading to the tender moments the kids craved.
I’ve never seen the Bible club kids so eager to serve, but many times, I would find kids working along side the team, helping things get set up and making sure everyone was participating. I saw the older boys treat the male members with respect, since they’d grown so comfortable with the love they were being shown by them. By the end of the week, testimonies from the team had been shared, leading to kids opening up to me about their personal struggles I never would have imagined. Without these kids opening up, I never would have known to pray over these situations in their lives.
All in all, amongst the attention-grabbing and energetic songs, the several members who constantly had three or more kids on top of them, and the more serious issues that were confronted, Jesus was evident. I can only pray that we’ll have another week as fun and powerful as this one here at Whittier.
Walking vs. Standing
*2013 Repost*
What do you believe about Jesus? Natural Christian answer: Everything written about Him in the Bible. Since it’s the inspired word of God, and all that.
So, that means you believe He is the healer. You believe He is the Bread of Life and that one could be sustained by Him. You believe He hates sin yet He became sin Himself to bring man back to life spiritually. You believe He has predestined man to do good works. You believe He is the Word of God Himself, and that all of creation hangs by His word. You believe He is a righteous judge. You believe He is jealous. You believe He is, in and of Himself, perfect love which casts out fear. You believe He Himself is your peace.
At least, that’s what you say. But what about James 2:14, which says that actions speak louder than words? (“What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?”) So if your actions speak louder than your words, then it is truly your actions that dictate what you believe about Christ. You can proclaim your faith all you want, but if you’re not living in a way that relies on who God says He is, you might just not believe what you think you believe.
If Jesus is the Healer, why don’t you trust Him to heal you? If He is El-Shadai, the One who provides, why are you anxious? If He is truly the author and perfecter of your faith, why do you doubt that He will see you through to the end? If He is jealous for you and hates the sin that gets in between you and Him, why do you continue to spite Him? If He has spoken promises over your life, why aren’t you walking in faith?
Here’s the thing about walking in faith. There’s a difference between walking in faith and standing in hope. Hope settles for wanting something really badly. Faith is only satisfied by action that brings you closer to your destination. So, if God is the healer, and you believe this, and you are praying for healing, walk as if His work is already complete, because He is already in the future where your hope has become reality. It is finished whether you can see it at this point in time or not. Don’t just pray for God’s will on earth as it is in heaven, live as if His kingdom has already come.
And in doing this, you are trusting God as He has called us to trust Him. You’re stepping out on the water just because you believe He won’t let you go. You’re digging holes to collect the rain God has promised, even before there’s a cloud in the sky. You’re taking a natural action and expecting God to bring in the supernatural. Live in a way that shows you believe God is who he says he is and will do what He says He will do.
And to quote my mentor and friend and sister Rhianna, “I think we need to be changing our prayers to, ‘God, show me how to act in this faith. How to live like what I’m believing You’re going to do is already happening.’”
It’s not enough to just say that you believe, because truth is that talk is cheap. That was a Tenth Avenue North song. That’s all I’ve got.
What do you believe about Jesus? Natural Christian answer: Everything written about Him in the Bible. Since it’s the inspired word of God, and all that.
So, that means you believe He is the healer. You believe He is the Bread of Life and that one could be sustained by Him. You believe He hates sin yet He became sin Himself to bring man back to life spiritually. You believe He has predestined man to do good works. You believe He is the Word of God Himself, and that all of creation hangs by His word. You believe He is a righteous judge. You believe He is jealous. You believe He is, in and of Himself, perfect love which casts out fear. You believe He Himself is your peace.
At least, that’s what you say. But what about James 2:14, which says that actions speak louder than words? (“What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?”) So if your actions speak louder than your words, then it is truly your actions that dictate what you believe about Christ. You can proclaim your faith all you want, but if you’re not living in a way that relies on who God says He is, you might just not believe what you think you believe.
If Jesus is the Healer, why don’t you trust Him to heal you? If He is El-Shadai, the One who provides, why are you anxious? If He is truly the author and perfecter of your faith, why do you doubt that He will see you through to the end? If He is jealous for you and hates the sin that gets in between you and Him, why do you continue to spite Him? If He has spoken promises over your life, why aren’t you walking in faith?
Here’s the thing about walking in faith. There’s a difference between walking in faith and standing in hope. Hope settles for wanting something really badly. Faith is only satisfied by action that brings you closer to your destination. So, if God is the healer, and you believe this, and you are praying for healing, walk as if His work is already complete, because He is already in the future where your hope has become reality. It is finished whether you can see it at this point in time or not. Don’t just pray for God’s will on earth as it is in heaven, live as if His kingdom has already come.
And in doing this, you are trusting God as He has called us to trust Him. You’re stepping out on the water just because you believe He won’t let you go. You’re digging holes to collect the rain God has promised, even before there’s a cloud in the sky. You’re taking a natural action and expecting God to bring in the supernatural. Live in a way that shows you believe God is who he says he is and will do what He says He will do.
And to quote my mentor and friend and sister Rhianna, “I think we need to be changing our prayers to, ‘God, show me how to act in this faith. How to live like what I’m believing You’re going to do is already happening.’”
It’s not enough to just say that you believe, because truth is that talk is cheap. That was a Tenth Avenue North song. That’s all I’ve got.
They don't deserve it just as much as I don't.
*2013 Repost*
So the other day, I got a better look at my heart.
I’m living in Memphis for the next six weeks on a missions trip to reach inner-city kids. It’s kinda stretching me past what I can do on my own, thus forcing me to rely on God and God alone. Gave me lots of spiritual insight.
That being said, this is what happened the other day.
So I’m helping run an open gym for the kids to come to, and it is realized about ten minutes in that we need another cord for the stereo system, so I run over to the church I live in to grab the stereo crap, and I decide to leave my phone on the table in the gym with my bookbag. I come back, it’s not there. Naturally I have an internal spazz attack, which then turns into an external one, which then turns into me getting beyond pissed at every kid in the gym. This one kid who always irritates me got the effects of that. All he needed was love and attention, and he got me yelling at him because I was harboring such frustration towards everyone in there. My previous attitudes such as, “These kids don’t know any better,” and “If I’m not Jesus to them, who will be?” turned into, “These kids are all the same. I gave up my summer for them and they repay me by stealing my $600 phone,” and “There really is no hope for them.”
And with my phone gone, I would have to go back home, since my phone is currently my only means of communication with my college and I still have a crap load of stuff to do for admissions.
But if I suddenly hated the kids anyway, what good would I do by staying in Memphis with them?
So, I made my plans of leaving, since my work here was obviously done and I had failed at loving unconditionally. And I yelled at God a lot. Something like, “If you want me here, give me my phone back!”
So after all of my anger had taken effect on the kids and I had decided to go home, I found my phone sitting exactly where I left it, just under someone’s jacket.
Oh.
So there was hope.
So the kids didn’t deserve to be judged by me.
So even if they did steal my phone, they deserved my forgiveness just as much as I deserve God’s forgiveness.
And that’s the thing. I don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve it. So we’re even in the fact that we will all get what we don’t deserve by the scandal of grace.
And I suddenly realized how selfish I am and how much of a hindrance my attitude and sense of obligation are.
Noticing my heart sucks was the first step to changing. Since then, when I love on the kids, I’m not doing it because they’re getting what they deserve. I’m loving them because Jesus loves me. Me, even me. And when I’m mad, I won’t let bitterness take over. Because everything I do for them must be in love, not in my warped sense of what they deserve.
And with that, I’ll leave it at this- This whole missionary thing isn’t glamorous to say in the least. There is nothing glamorous about sharing a bathroom with a million girls. There is nothing glamorous about serving this ratchet barbecue to 200 people. There is nothing glamorous about not being able to wake up in the morning because the people next door bang on the wall and scream until 1 am. But there really is something beautiful about it.
So the other day, I got a better look at my heart.
I’m living in Memphis for the next six weeks on a missions trip to reach inner-city kids. It’s kinda stretching me past what I can do on my own, thus forcing me to rely on God and God alone. Gave me lots of spiritual insight.
That being said, this is what happened the other day.
So I’m helping run an open gym for the kids to come to, and it is realized about ten minutes in that we need another cord for the stereo system, so I run over to the church I live in to grab the stereo crap, and I decide to leave my phone on the table in the gym with my bookbag. I come back, it’s not there. Naturally I have an internal spazz attack, which then turns into an external one, which then turns into me getting beyond pissed at every kid in the gym. This one kid who always irritates me got the effects of that. All he needed was love and attention, and he got me yelling at him because I was harboring such frustration towards everyone in there. My previous attitudes such as, “These kids don’t know any better,” and “If I’m not Jesus to them, who will be?” turned into, “These kids are all the same. I gave up my summer for them and they repay me by stealing my $600 phone,” and “There really is no hope for them.”
And with my phone gone, I would have to go back home, since my phone is currently my only means of communication with my college and I still have a crap load of stuff to do for admissions.
But if I suddenly hated the kids anyway, what good would I do by staying in Memphis with them?
So, I made my plans of leaving, since my work here was obviously done and I had failed at loving unconditionally. And I yelled at God a lot. Something like, “If you want me here, give me my phone back!”
So after all of my anger had taken effect on the kids and I had decided to go home, I found my phone sitting exactly where I left it, just under someone’s jacket.
Oh.
So there was hope.
So the kids didn’t deserve to be judged by me.
So even if they did steal my phone, they deserved my forgiveness just as much as I deserve God’s forgiveness.
And that’s the thing. I don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve it. So we’re even in the fact that we will all get what we don’t deserve by the scandal of grace.
And I suddenly realized how selfish I am and how much of a hindrance my attitude and sense of obligation are.
Noticing my heart sucks was the first step to changing. Since then, when I love on the kids, I’m not doing it because they’re getting what they deserve. I’m loving them because Jesus loves me. Me, even me. And when I’m mad, I won’t let bitterness take over. Because everything I do for them must be in love, not in my warped sense of what they deserve.
And with that, I’ll leave it at this- This whole missionary thing isn’t glamorous to say in the least. There is nothing glamorous about sharing a bathroom with a million girls. There is nothing glamorous about serving this ratchet barbecue to 200 people. There is nothing glamorous about not being able to wake up in the morning because the people next door bang on the wall and scream until 1 am. But there really is something beautiful about it.
Jesus wept.
*2013 Repost*
So, I woke up this morning with some serious back pain. Like, the kind that makes your body spazz every time you move your head and creates awkward involuntary screaming noises every few minutes or so.
Kinda sucks.
Anyway. It ended up reminding me of the thing that it seems like Jesus is always telling me. Because I ended up falling in the kitchen floor like an invalid and screaming while I was trying to get a pepper, which caused my good old cat, Mr. Meowgi, to start screaming some whining noise at me. Whenever I’d scream or cry, he’d do the cat version of the same noise, repeating after me.
And it’s dumb, because I so often fail at doing even what my cat can do. He’s successfully mastered Romans 12:15, which says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I mean, this is pretty vital. Even Jesus, our example, did this. The shortest verse in the Bible says simply, “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)
For the millionth time: It’s not about coming up with an explanation for why things are the way they are. It’s not about preaching at people in their pain. See how well that went over for Job? It’s about love. That’s it. When all is said and done, love will still remain. You can theorize and explain all you want, but what will make a difference is sympathy. It requires a certain amount of grace to be able to let go of yourself long enough to put someone’s feelings on your shoulders and act from them, but Jesus wouldn’t command us to do anything that He couldn’t do through us.
So, I woke up this morning with some serious back pain. Like, the kind that makes your body spazz every time you move your head and creates awkward involuntary screaming noises every few minutes or so.
Kinda sucks.
Anyway. It ended up reminding me of the thing that it seems like Jesus is always telling me. Because I ended up falling in the kitchen floor like an invalid and screaming while I was trying to get a pepper, which caused my good old cat, Mr. Meowgi, to start screaming some whining noise at me. Whenever I’d scream or cry, he’d do the cat version of the same noise, repeating after me.
And it’s dumb, because I so often fail at doing even what my cat can do. He’s successfully mastered Romans 12:15, which says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I mean, this is pretty vital. Even Jesus, our example, did this. The shortest verse in the Bible says simply, “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)
For the millionth time: It’s not about coming up with an explanation for why things are the way they are. It’s not about preaching at people in their pain. See how well that went over for Job? It’s about love. That’s it. When all is said and done, love will still remain. You can theorize and explain all you want, but what will make a difference is sympathy. It requires a certain amount of grace to be able to let go of yourself long enough to put someone’s feelings on your shoulders and act from them, but Jesus wouldn’t command us to do anything that He couldn’t do through us.
Why people hate Christians.
*2013 Repost*
As Christians, we’re up against so much more than a current generation’s opposition to surrender. We’re up against 2,000 years of corruption in the name of Christ. When people hear that we’re Christian, they don’t think of the love that Jesus spoke about; they think about the people who have murdered in the name if Christ, they think of the hypocrisy of the church, they think of that one time they went to a Christmas service and felt condemnation instead of hope. They think of the cliques so easily formed among Christians, the fear that must be behind every religious ritual, the news story of the priest raping the child. They think these things alone prove that the Christians serve no God and that mankind is better off without an intrusive book telling it what to do with every second of every day. And they expect the same hollow, fear-induced, holier-than-thou attitude from us. In all honesty, the name “Christian” has done more to hurt than to heal. And so it is left in our hands to be the best we can be and leave the rest in God’s hands. It is vital for us to constantly display the genuine hope we have found, to prove that perfect love casts out fear, to live in a way that convinces those not of faith that all of the corruption they have familiarized themselves with doesn’t represent the love of Christ. Perhaps, at the root of all of this, we must realize that this isn’t about us. It’s about Him, and what He wants to accomplish.
As Christians, we’re up against so much more than a current generation’s opposition to surrender. We’re up against 2,000 years of corruption in the name of Christ. When people hear that we’re Christian, they don’t think of the love that Jesus spoke about; they think about the people who have murdered in the name if Christ, they think of the hypocrisy of the church, they think of that one time they went to a Christmas service and felt condemnation instead of hope. They think of the cliques so easily formed among Christians, the fear that must be behind every religious ritual, the news story of the priest raping the child. They think these things alone prove that the Christians serve no God and that mankind is better off without an intrusive book telling it what to do with every second of every day. And they expect the same hollow, fear-induced, holier-than-thou attitude from us. In all honesty, the name “Christian” has done more to hurt than to heal. And so it is left in our hands to be the best we can be and leave the rest in God’s hands. It is vital for us to constantly display the genuine hope we have found, to prove that perfect love casts out fear, to live in a way that convinces those not of faith that all of the corruption they have familiarized themselves with doesn’t represent the love of Christ. Perhaps, at the root of all of this, we must realize that this isn’t about us. It’s about Him, and what He wants to accomplish.
Acts 27
*2013 Repost*
What God has promised will be fulfilled, whether you pray for it or not. Praying, however, changes your perspective and helps you hold on to hope. For we should pray in all circumstances, with all kinds of requests, if not to change the circumstances, then to change yourself and grow your relationship with God as you learn to trust Him.
What God has promised will be fulfilled, whether you pray for it or not. Praying, however, changes your perspective and helps you hold on to hope. For we should pray in all circumstances, with all kinds of requests, if not to change the circumstances, then to change yourself and grow your relationship with God as you learn to trust Him.
I am Nothing
*2013 Repost*
So, this summer I’m going to be blessed enough to be staying in Memphis, Tennessee for street ministry for about two months. I figure it’ll be a good opportunity for me to let Jesus work through me and to figure out where He’s taking me after seminary.
It’s weird though, because this missions trip is about reaching out to the needy, the least of these, which is what I am all about. But up until this point, every encounter in which I’ve attempted to encourage someone has been based on me saying some biblical truth expressed in a rhetorical way. Some quirky way of looking at the situation, some sort of logic to convince the person to keep fighting the good fight. But these are at-risk children I’m going to be with all summer. Children. When they look me in the eye and tell me about what they’re afraid of, no amount of biblical reasoning I give will heal their hearts. This has to all be based on love. For without it, I truly have nothing to give these kids.
It finally makes sense to me why Paul once said, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:2, 3 NIV) I mean, God moves in my life a lot. He gives me words to say, He tells me things a lot of people don’t know and He brings me deeper into understanding everyday. But what is the point of me understanding what the Bible is saying and knowing God’s will if I’m not applying it? What’s the point of offering myself to these kids all summer if all I have to give is the noisy clanging of my biblical rhetoric? Without love, this is nothing. Without God’s heart beating inside of me, there’s nothing I can do.
And I don’t think this just applies to children. I guarantee that people would be more appreciative of my sympathy and genuine love in their times of need than a biblical explanation to their struggles. True story. I think that’s how I could most be like Jesus.
So, this summer I’m going to be blessed enough to be staying in Memphis, Tennessee for street ministry for about two months. I figure it’ll be a good opportunity for me to let Jesus work through me and to figure out where He’s taking me after seminary.
It’s weird though, because this missions trip is about reaching out to the needy, the least of these, which is what I am all about. But up until this point, every encounter in which I’ve attempted to encourage someone has been based on me saying some biblical truth expressed in a rhetorical way. Some quirky way of looking at the situation, some sort of logic to convince the person to keep fighting the good fight. But these are at-risk children I’m going to be with all summer. Children. When they look me in the eye and tell me about what they’re afraid of, no amount of biblical reasoning I give will heal their hearts. This has to all be based on love. For without it, I truly have nothing to give these kids.
It finally makes sense to me why Paul once said, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:2, 3 NIV) I mean, God moves in my life a lot. He gives me words to say, He tells me things a lot of people don’t know and He brings me deeper into understanding everyday. But what is the point of me understanding what the Bible is saying and knowing God’s will if I’m not applying it? What’s the point of offering myself to these kids all summer if all I have to give is the noisy clanging of my biblical rhetoric? Without love, this is nothing. Without God’s heart beating inside of me, there’s nothing I can do.
And I don’t think this just applies to children. I guarantee that people would be more appreciative of my sympathy and genuine love in their times of need than a biblical explanation to their struggles. True story. I think that’s how I could most be like Jesus.
Running in Circles
*2013 Repost*
Without a focal point, people tend to move in a circle.
That’s why we can’t walk in a straight line with a blindfold. It’s a weird analogy for our spirits. We tend to walk, spiritually, in a circle, without a focal point. That’s why it says in Hebrews 12:1,2 that we should “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith”. If we don’t have him as our focal point, we’re gonna be running in circles. We’re gonna keep struggling with the same things, going back to the same failure, living with the same regret.
So tell Him you love Him.
Tell Him you need Him.
Tell Him there’s no better place for you than in His arms.
Tell Him you’re sorry for running in circles,
And for keeping the focus on the waves, and not on His face.
Without a focal point, people tend to move in a circle.
That’s why we can’t walk in a straight line with a blindfold. It’s a weird analogy for our spirits. We tend to walk, spiritually, in a circle, without a focal point. That’s why it says in Hebrews 12:1,2 that we should “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith”. If we don’t have him as our focal point, we’re gonna be running in circles. We’re gonna keep struggling with the same things, going back to the same failure, living with the same regret.
So tell Him you love Him.
Tell Him you need Him.
Tell Him there’s no better place for you than in His arms.
Tell Him you’re sorry for running in circles,
And for keeping the focus on the waves, and not on His face.
"And the next day I went up to see..."
*2013 Repost*
Well. At the last minute two days ago, I decided I was leaving the state at 7 am the next morning because Jesus wanted me to. Of course, it literally took 12 hours of nonstop convincing my parents to let me leave by myself as well as hardcore harassing my friends until 3 am trying to get a ride to the station. But before I knew it, I was on an eight hour train ride to my best friend’s local train station. I almost didn’t go. I was so anxious that I was doing this for the wrong reason, and that I was wasting time and money on something trivial. But at about 1 am the night before, God confirmed that I should go. And it was wonderful. I went up looking for clarity on God’s will and clarity on my desires.
So this is what happened. I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend in the whole world; I got to stop caring about petty things and have fun, even if I was only there for 21 hours; and I got to feel God’s presence that I was longing for. He told me that whether I turn to the right or the left, He will be behind me, telling me, “This is the way. Walk in it.” He told me that no matter what choice I make about some things coming up in my future, as long as I am obeying Him, what I do will please Him. Whatever I chose, I should pursue it with everything I’ve got, putting God first. That’s God’s will. Because as long as I’m anchored to the Holy Spirit, my dreams will match His desires. And even if I try my hardest and things still fall through, He’ll always be there to pick me back up and send me back on my way. This is great! Currently worshipping Jesus on a train!
Well. At the last minute two days ago, I decided I was leaving the state at 7 am the next morning because Jesus wanted me to. Of course, it literally took 12 hours of nonstop convincing my parents to let me leave by myself as well as hardcore harassing my friends until 3 am trying to get a ride to the station. But before I knew it, I was on an eight hour train ride to my best friend’s local train station. I almost didn’t go. I was so anxious that I was doing this for the wrong reason, and that I was wasting time and money on something trivial. But at about 1 am the night before, God confirmed that I should go. And it was wonderful. I went up looking for clarity on God’s will and clarity on my desires.
So this is what happened. I got to spend some much needed time with my best friend in the whole world; I got to stop caring about petty things and have fun, even if I was only there for 21 hours; and I got to feel God’s presence that I was longing for. He told me that whether I turn to the right or the left, He will be behind me, telling me, “This is the way. Walk in it.” He told me that no matter what choice I make about some things coming up in my future, as long as I am obeying Him, what I do will please Him. Whatever I chose, I should pursue it with everything I’ve got, putting God first. That’s God’s will. Because as long as I’m anchored to the Holy Spirit, my dreams will match His desires. And even if I try my hardest and things still fall through, He’ll always be there to pick me back up and send me back on my way. This is great! Currently worshipping Jesus on a train!
It's a gift.
I once saw this little thing on TV about a girl who was born with no pain sensors. One of those real-life story things. The mother, after hearing about her daughter’s inability to feel pain, commented, “That’s such a gift.” She soon found otherwise, when her daughter started to grow and would dump boiling water on herself and have deep burns but no pain. She would tear her face apart, leaving marks but experiencing no pain.
The point is this: Pain is a gift. Pain keeps us safe. It keeps us in line. Not just physically, but spiritually. When we are hurt about things, a little red flag inside of us goes off, telling us to change. To find help, to do something different.
It’s only when we ignore our pain and bury it into ourselves that we turn the gift God has given us into a curse.
The point is this: Pain is a gift. Pain keeps us safe. It keeps us in line. Not just physically, but spiritually. When we are hurt about things, a little red flag inside of us goes off, telling us to change. To find help, to do something different.
It’s only when we ignore our pain and bury it into ourselves that we turn the gift God has given us into a curse.
Just a Thought
*2013 Repost*
…And then sometimes you remember that you’re not here for you. You’re here for whatever God has you here for. Sometimes you realize that this thing you’re living is not about arriving anywhere, for that comes after you’re gone. While you’re here, it’s about taking this wonderful journey in which you continuously learn and grow and in which nothing is of more importance than the One who made the path for you. And this time is the time you have to realize that you are not your own, for you were bought at a price. You’re His. And in knowing that, this little journey becomes a lot nicer in the sense that there’s no need to fear when things are difficult, for it is only a bump in the road. And in this, you can take peace even in your failure, for you know that until this is through, you will make mistakes. Lots of them. And that’s okay. Because He’s there.
…And then sometimes you remember that you’re not here for you. You’re here for whatever God has you here for. Sometimes you realize that this thing you’re living is not about arriving anywhere, for that comes after you’re gone. While you’re here, it’s about taking this wonderful journey in which you continuously learn and grow and in which nothing is of more importance than the One who made the path for you. And this time is the time you have to realize that you are not your own, for you were bought at a price. You’re His. And in knowing that, this little journey becomes a lot nicer in the sense that there’s no need to fear when things are difficult, for it is only a bump in the road. And in this, you can take peace even in your failure, for you know that until this is through, you will make mistakes. Lots of them. And that’s okay. Because He’s there.
God and Ratchet Sexual Things
*2013 Repost*
When I was in the eighth grade, right before I truly decided to give myself to Christ, I had a bit of a lust problem. And I use the terms “bit” and “had” loosely. We all have problems sometimes. Also in the eighth grade, I very religiously maintained a diary of every thought to ever cross my mind. (For in case you have never noticed, I have the world’s most overactive brain and I am also the world’s most sentimental person. Therefore writing and talking too much is a common struggle.)
But anyway. One night in my diary named Francesca, I wrote strange things about sex. And so the stream of consciousness continued until I somehow ended up randomly discussing the Holy Spirit. Then I stared at the page for a few seconds, looked at the word, “sex” and the name “Holy Spirit” and concluded on a line below, “What is wrong with me? The Holy Spirit does not belong on a sheet of paper with premarital sex. Or maybe He does.”
He does.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, 19 NIV)
The Holy Spirit Himself, who inspired the Bible, put Himself right there on the sex page, because He knows He’s the answer.
Honestly, God’s all that helps with sexual immorality. Nothing else makes it better.
All of our attempts to control ourselves are just that- attempts. We can talk ourselves out of things, psych ourselves up into things, whatever. But when it comes down to it, we fail a whole lot. And when we don’t fail, a lot of the time the only reason we come home not screwed is because we’re too afraid of God’s wrath to do what we want. And that doesn’t make us any more pure in heart than we would have been if we would have went along and done what we desired. (And before anybody gets ratchet and starts stuff, that was definitely not a reference to a specific night in my life. Kay, moving along.)
But here’s why it’s so freaking hard- this whole sex thing is about more than a compelling instinct to reproduce. It’s about satisfaction. Not in the disturbing way you are probably thinking right now, but in a weird soulful kind of way. Our souls never stop wanting. And I mean, I’ll be honest and say I’m speaking from experience. If you’ve ever said, “This has to stop. I’ll persuade myself to stop! I’ll reward myself if I stop! I’ll do anything!”, you know that it doesn’t work. Because you just end up with a needy soul who is willing to be filled with anything, and next thing you know, you’re sitting in your room eating a bucket of ice cream and wishing you weren’t. Then you realize that it’s as empty as the calories you’re consuming and you’re desperate again and probably worse off than before.
I don’t even care if you think this is awkward right now, just saying. Because you know that you’ve failed to please God at some point because of your constant wanting, if not in this area, then in another area. Don’t say you haven’t.
Truth is, on your own, with any addiction or struggle, you’re gonna end up telling yourself strange things, twisting the Bible, making compromises, or a number of other wrong things. You start out terribly sorry and regretful, until you start to rationalize. Something like, “Well. Every time I fail, it’s like slapping Jesus in the face as He’s being led to the cross. I like Jesus. I should stop…. Actually, I’ve failed more times than He was flogged 2,000 years ago, so I think the damage has been done. I have been forgiven after all. Why change now? …You know, maybe I’ll go to hell if I don’t. I guess I should stop… Well, hell’s a long time from right now. Maybe I’ll be fixed by then. I think I’ll risk it.”
And that’s when you go from love to fear, and that’s not where God wants you. Instead, He wants you how He designed you to be- filled with Him. Satisfied by Him. That body that you’re sinning against- it isn’t your own. You were bought at a price, and the Holy Spirit was put inside you. He should be what fills and satisfies your soul. If we’re living how we’re supposed to, we wouldn’t need to chase all these other things to fill us up! We wouldn’t be so addicted to sex or self-image or other’s opinions or porn or trying to be good enough or those of the opposite sex or any of that other stuff that so easily entangles. You don’t need it, no matter how many times you’ve told God, “You don’t understand. I NEED it.”
You know the very first sin was about this? Not sex, but desiring something in addition to God. Adam and Eve had the fullness of God with them in the Garden all those years ago, yet they felt the need to go after what was forbidden, because they refused to be satisfied with God and God alone. And we’re brave enough to look down on them.
The Holy Spirit, the fullness of God, is inside of us. Yet we listen to the serpent and we pursue things in addition to God for satisfaction. We question, “Did God really say…?” and turn from Him.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now about this.
Holy Spirit. Sex. Yeah. Jesus still loves you and He’s the only one who can fill you up and heal you. But yeah. You’re free to struggle, but you’re not struggling to be free. This is why there’s grace. Just saying.
When I was in the eighth grade, right before I truly decided to give myself to Christ, I had a bit of a lust problem. And I use the terms “bit” and “had” loosely. We all have problems sometimes. Also in the eighth grade, I very religiously maintained a diary of every thought to ever cross my mind. (For in case you have never noticed, I have the world’s most overactive brain and I am also the world’s most sentimental person. Therefore writing and talking too much is a common struggle.)
But anyway. One night in my diary named Francesca, I wrote strange things about sex. And so the stream of consciousness continued until I somehow ended up randomly discussing the Holy Spirit. Then I stared at the page for a few seconds, looked at the word, “sex” and the name “Holy Spirit” and concluded on a line below, “What is wrong with me? The Holy Spirit does not belong on a sheet of paper with premarital sex. Or maybe He does.”
He does.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, 19 NIV)
The Holy Spirit Himself, who inspired the Bible, put Himself right there on the sex page, because He knows He’s the answer.
Honestly, God’s all that helps with sexual immorality. Nothing else makes it better.
All of our attempts to control ourselves are just that- attempts. We can talk ourselves out of things, psych ourselves up into things, whatever. But when it comes down to it, we fail a whole lot. And when we don’t fail, a lot of the time the only reason we come home not screwed is because we’re too afraid of God’s wrath to do what we want. And that doesn’t make us any more pure in heart than we would have been if we would have went along and done what we desired. (And before anybody gets ratchet and starts stuff, that was definitely not a reference to a specific night in my life. Kay, moving along.)
But here’s why it’s so freaking hard- this whole sex thing is about more than a compelling instinct to reproduce. It’s about satisfaction. Not in the disturbing way you are probably thinking right now, but in a weird soulful kind of way. Our souls never stop wanting. And I mean, I’ll be honest and say I’m speaking from experience. If you’ve ever said, “This has to stop. I’ll persuade myself to stop! I’ll reward myself if I stop! I’ll do anything!”, you know that it doesn’t work. Because you just end up with a needy soul who is willing to be filled with anything, and next thing you know, you’re sitting in your room eating a bucket of ice cream and wishing you weren’t. Then you realize that it’s as empty as the calories you’re consuming and you’re desperate again and probably worse off than before.
I don’t even care if you think this is awkward right now, just saying. Because you know that you’ve failed to please God at some point because of your constant wanting, if not in this area, then in another area. Don’t say you haven’t.
Truth is, on your own, with any addiction or struggle, you’re gonna end up telling yourself strange things, twisting the Bible, making compromises, or a number of other wrong things. You start out terribly sorry and regretful, until you start to rationalize. Something like, “Well. Every time I fail, it’s like slapping Jesus in the face as He’s being led to the cross. I like Jesus. I should stop…. Actually, I’ve failed more times than He was flogged 2,000 years ago, so I think the damage has been done. I have been forgiven after all. Why change now? …You know, maybe I’ll go to hell if I don’t. I guess I should stop… Well, hell’s a long time from right now. Maybe I’ll be fixed by then. I think I’ll risk it.”
And that’s when you go from love to fear, and that’s not where God wants you. Instead, He wants you how He designed you to be- filled with Him. Satisfied by Him. That body that you’re sinning against- it isn’t your own. You were bought at a price, and the Holy Spirit was put inside you. He should be what fills and satisfies your soul. If we’re living how we’re supposed to, we wouldn’t need to chase all these other things to fill us up! We wouldn’t be so addicted to sex or self-image or other’s opinions or porn or trying to be good enough or those of the opposite sex or any of that other stuff that so easily entangles. You don’t need it, no matter how many times you’ve told God, “You don’t understand. I NEED it.”
You know the very first sin was about this? Not sex, but desiring something in addition to God. Adam and Eve had the fullness of God with them in the Garden all those years ago, yet they felt the need to go after what was forbidden, because they refused to be satisfied with God and God alone. And we’re brave enough to look down on them.
The Holy Spirit, the fullness of God, is inside of us. Yet we listen to the serpent and we pursue things in addition to God for satisfaction. We question, “Did God really say…?” and turn from Him.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now about this.
Holy Spirit. Sex. Yeah. Jesus still loves you and He’s the only one who can fill you up and heal you. But yeah. You’re free to struggle, but you’re not struggling to be free. This is why there’s grace. Just saying.
That was random.
*2013 Repost*
So then I’m like, “What the frick just happened?”
And then God’s like, “Well, you just got locked out of your house and your phone died, so then all of a sudden you were alone and in the dark in your dad’s car in the driveway. Then you started to think that maybe there was a reason for that, and then you remembered all the other times in your life that you thought the same thing, and next thing you know, you stopped running from me and you start crying and asking Me why. You said that you didn’t know what to do. That you felt like you didn’t know My voice. That you were confused and felt like I had betrayed you, My child. That you didn’t know how to know Me, much less trust Me. So, then you looked to the sky and you saw the stars and you heard My voice. I said, ‘Look at the stars. Who made them? There is no one but Me. There is none besides Me.’ I hold everything in My hands. I worked so, so hard to get you- to redeem you. Come, let us reason together. Why on earth would I give you up? Why would I begin a good work in you just to leave you incomplete? If you want a logical answer to things, this is what you’re dealing with. It would make no sense for Me to let you go.
But skip the logic. Skip trying to find all the answers for now, and just know Me. Trust that I’m shaping you. Trust that nothing is wasted.
So then, my Child, you told me that I was all you wanted. You told me that you no longer wanted this vessel to be controlled by your feelings or your will, but that you wanted the wheel to be manned by My will and My heart’s desires, and that you wanted your anchor to lie within the Holy Spirit.
And so then your parents came home and you walked in the house like you’d just gotten there and then you opened your wallet and realized your key was there the whole time, but then you decided it was worth not finding. And then you told me you were thankful that you spent your Valentine’s day night in your driveway with Me. And then you realized that it’s okay that you don’t have all the answers, because My promises remain and my plans will not be thwarted.”
So then I’m like, “What the frick just happened?”
And then God’s like, “Well, you just got locked out of your house and your phone died, so then all of a sudden you were alone and in the dark in your dad’s car in the driveway. Then you started to think that maybe there was a reason for that, and then you remembered all the other times in your life that you thought the same thing, and next thing you know, you stopped running from me and you start crying and asking Me why. You said that you didn’t know what to do. That you felt like you didn’t know My voice. That you were confused and felt like I had betrayed you, My child. That you didn’t know how to know Me, much less trust Me. So, then you looked to the sky and you saw the stars and you heard My voice. I said, ‘Look at the stars. Who made them? There is no one but Me. There is none besides Me.’ I hold everything in My hands. I worked so, so hard to get you- to redeem you. Come, let us reason together. Why on earth would I give you up? Why would I begin a good work in you just to leave you incomplete? If you want a logical answer to things, this is what you’re dealing with. It would make no sense for Me to let you go.
But skip the logic. Skip trying to find all the answers for now, and just know Me. Trust that I’m shaping you. Trust that nothing is wasted.
So then, my Child, you told me that I was all you wanted. You told me that you no longer wanted this vessel to be controlled by your feelings or your will, but that you wanted the wheel to be manned by My will and My heart’s desires, and that you wanted your anchor to lie within the Holy Spirit.
And so then your parents came home and you walked in the house like you’d just gotten there and then you opened your wallet and realized your key was there the whole time, but then you decided it was worth not finding. And then you told me you were thankful that you spent your Valentine’s day night in your driveway with Me. And then you realized that it’s okay that you don’t have all the answers, because My promises remain and my plans will not be thwarted.”
Sudden Clarity #2
*2013 Repost*
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NIV)
Okay, so here’s the thing. This verse has been on my mirror for God knows how long and every time I see it, I say it to myself and then I try to pray like it says I should pray. And then I get mad because my problems aren’t fixed after I say, “Amen.” Maybe it’s not so much anger as it is discouragement and struggling faith.
The problem with that mentality is that this verse never promises God will fix your problems up right then and there. It just says that He will give you peace that you can’t understand. Peace that says, “No matter what happens, it will be okay, because God is with me.”
Peace is found in giving the situation to God and allowing Him to deal with it instead of holding it in your own hands and worrying about it. By vocalizing your request, you are showing a surrender of sorts. God may or may not give you the answer you want, but that’s not what is truly important. He wants to change you more than He wants to change your situation, anyway.
This isn’t necessarily about praying until God gives you what you want, although we are to pray incessantly. This verse is about stating the situation and admitting to God that His way of handling it is the best way. That gives you peace beyond comprehension. Peace that guards your heart, peace that triumphs over your own efforts of making amends for the things in your life that went wrong.
It’s about finding peace in surrender, not making God answer your prayer exactly how you want it answered exactly when you want it answered.
Jesus and Weird Machinist Videos
*2013 Repost*
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12 ESV)
My dad’s a machinist. He makes machines with machines, which is why we moved to the general Charlotte area. Apparently all the machinists who know what’s up live in Charlotte.
After having been screwed over by my dad’s company that we moved for, Dad decided it was time to find a new company to work under. Thus, he is now employed at AJAX. I’ve never seen him so excited about a job. I mean, you can just see him get excited for once. He’s never been one to complain about a job, but I’m not use to seeing him thoroughly enjoying something and being hash tagging proud of it.
Anyway, he was so proud of being a part of this company that he decided to show me a video that was made in the 80s thoroughly describing the process of making steel rings. It was so tacky; I don’t know how it’s legal to exist. The music- I can’t even!
But the annoyingly awkward announcer’s voice suddenly decided to say something with some meaning. “For some, the regular process of steel ring making is not enough. For example, some may want a stronger steel ring, in which case, AJAX will place the ring in higher temperatures, leaving them to harden and become more durable. Even that may not be enough, so we increase the temperature more and leave it in for longer. And the finished product will be strong.”
I don’t even know how I could expand upon that. Today sucked for me like a lot and a lot of things I thought I’d gotten rid of years ago came back today. Buuuut. Yeah.
Look, if you’re life is sucking, Jesus wants you to be a stronger steel AJAX ring. For some, the average process might be okay. But not for you, not for a chosen one of God. He’s in control of the fire though and He won’t let it overtake you, I promise. I promise, I promise. But my promises aren’t worth a thing. His, however, are-
“Everyone’s going through a refining fire sooner or later, but you’ll be well-preserved, protected from the eternal flames. Be preservatives yourselves. Preserve the peace.” (Mark 9:49, 50 MSG)
After having been screwed over by my dad’s company that we moved for, Dad decided it was time to find a new company to work under. Thus, he is now employed at AJAX. I’ve never seen him so excited about a job. I mean, you can just see him get excited for once. He’s never been one to complain about a job, but I’m not use to seeing him thoroughly enjoying something and being hash tagging proud of it.
Anyway, he was so proud of being a part of this company that he decided to show me a video that was made in the 80s thoroughly describing the process of making steel rings. It was so tacky; I don’t know how it’s legal to exist. The music- I can’t even!
But the annoyingly awkward announcer’s voice suddenly decided to say something with some meaning. “For some, the regular process of steel ring making is not enough. For example, some may want a stronger steel ring, in which case, AJAX will place the ring in higher temperatures, leaving them to harden and become more durable. Even that may not be enough, so we increase the temperature more and leave it in for longer. And the finished product will be strong.”
I don’t even know how I could expand upon that. Today sucked for me like a lot and a lot of things I thought I’d gotten rid of years ago came back today. Buuuut. Yeah.
Look, if you’re life is sucking, Jesus wants you to be a stronger steel AJAX ring. For some, the average process might be okay. But not for you, not for a chosen one of God. He’s in control of the fire though and He won’t let it overtake you, I promise. I promise, I promise. But my promises aren’t worth a thing. His, however, are-
“Everyone’s going through a refining fire sooner or later, but you’ll be well-preserved, protected from the eternal flames. Be preservatives yourselves. Preserve the peace.” (Mark 9:49, 50 MSG)
Heart's Desire
*2013 Repost*
The other day, I told Jesus that I needed answers. I’d been getting a lot of mixed signals about what God wanted, it seemed. So, while I was blow drying my hair, I said something to the effect of, “A’ight. I’m gonna go read the Bible. Affirm what you want and I’ll stick to it.”
Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.
John 14:13-14
The other day, I told Jesus that I needed answers. I’d been getting a lot of mixed signals about what God wanted, it seemed. So, while I was blow drying my hair, I said something to the effect of, “A’ight. I’m gonna go read the Bible. Affirm what you want and I’ll stick to it.”
I guess I could explain what the problem was. I’ve been struggling a lot with anxiety, anxiety about my salvation to be specific, for like, two years, and it’s caused massive amounts of physical side effects that now last 24/7. I can’t hashtagging breathe and I have constant headaches and junk like that. So, the problem was, I thought God had told me that He was gonna heal me, then I thought He was saying He wasn’t going to, and I kept praying and praying and things wouldn’t feel any better, but then He kept making promises. Hashtag confusion. I thought all this promise-making and inconsistency was for teenage boys.
He wasn’t being inconsistent. He was just working everything together for good.
To quote Josh Doyle, the problem was that my flesh is weak and crumbles at the first sign of defeat. To quote myself, my perspective is so limited that I can’t see past my setbacks. I mean, the other night, I literally yelled at God, saying, “I don’t freaking care what Your plan is. Whatever it is, it’s hurting me now. I don’t care if this suckishness now will make things better later. I’ve suffered enough. Just fix me. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.”
I’m a jerk to my God sometimes. I know what I want, and I know that it sometimes doesn’t match up with what God wants.
So, that night I was drawn to my Bible more than I could ever remember being drawn before and picked up in John 14, which read, “Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.”
Well, there was my answer, I supposed. I would ask God to make me better in Jesus’ name, and He would have to, because Jesus said He would. So, I decided to ask Him right then to fix me up and make me better, and He would.
I opened my mouth, and the wrong words came out. Instead, I said, “God, work this together for Your good. Let Your will prevail in my life. Help me to trust You when You say this is a process, and that You’ve got me here for a reason. Help me be patient as You change me. Change my heart to match Your heart’s desires. Turn this into something beautiful, for Your glory. In Jesus’ name.”
What? That’s not what I wanted to say at all. But I said it.
When Jesus said to ask for anything in His name and that He would do it, He meant to ask according to God’s will. Like how Jesus prayed in Gethsemane. “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39) So, right then, when I started to pray, I believe the Holy Spirit was right there to help me pray the right things, like Romans 8:26 status, which says, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” So, that’s probs about speaking in tongues and all that goodness, but you know. He’ll tell you the right things to pray in English, too, I’ve noticed. He does that a hashtagging lot.
So the point of this? We think we know what we want, but if we let Him, God will change our point of view to match His. Once our will matches His, He will give us all we ask for in Jesus’ name. Our heart’s desire will be ours for the taking, as long as it matches His. Oh, and that a lot involves patience, but you can have peace knowing that His promises always prove to be truth. Always, in His timing. Maybe things won’t work out how you want them to work out, but they will work out.
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