I don't even need your love.

I don't have all of the answers. In fact, I don't have most of the answers, or even half of the answers. I maybe have like 14% of the answers to life. Or maybe even less than that. Probs.
But it seems to get even harder to know the answers when it feels like you're getting mixed messages about life, you know? Like, when you're listening to the radio and it seems like they're saying two entirely different things within ten minutes of each other.
Like today. I got in the car and this nice little song that I'd never heard before came on. The lyrics were from God to us and it was talking about how we're not alone, because He's always there and will never leave us. Even when everyone else does. Because His love is the only love we need.
I accepted that pretty easily because, out of frustration and anger, I've recently decided that I don't need anyone. I don't even need anyone's love or anyone's concern or anything like that. Like, I had trust issues. I refused to share my heart with people for the longest time. This summer, I felt like God was working on me to be open and honest and to let people know who I am and all that stuff, because it's not good to be alone. You know. Well, that happened. And I started to trust people. And I became completely reliant on others because I was tired of trying to do everything on my own. I wasn't just struggling with life anymore; I was vulnerable, too. But then everyone who told me they would "always be there for me" all at once decided that they wouldn't. And they aren't. So now I'm struggling, I'm vulnerable, and I'm alone. So. I don't need anyone, because if I ever need anyone again, they'll just end up like everyone else. They'll get me to be honest, then I'll trust them, then I'll be worse off than before.
I'm trying to word this carefully, because I'm not writing this to make people look bad. Because people aren't mean to me. I guess it's just that everyone's an acquaintance now. Or something. Because I moved. I guess.
And it's funny that I'd be the one to say I don't need anyone. Because, medically speaking, about two years ago I got this condition. And, technically speaking, if it doesn't go away, I won't be able to live on my own, ever. So I will literally have to rely on someone else forever. I hate that! It makes me furious, in all honesty. I'd rather have this problem go away and live alone forever.
Anyway, the radio kept going, and this sir came on and talked about the "three hardest words" to say to someone. I thought it was going to say those cliche things Christians always talk about. "I forgive you," or something. Then he started talking about, "I love you." I rolled my eyes. I mean, I'm pretty good with those three words. I say them when I mean them and when I don't mean it, I don't say it. Whatever. I got this.
But then he just flipped the entire world upside down and said that there's three words harder than that, and that's, "I need you."
Maybe it's hard to say because it's a lie. Why would I tell people that I need them? I can handle myself. I don't even care enough anymore to need anyone.
Except I do. Very much so.
He went on to say that it's okay to rely on someone. That God puts people in our lives and it's okay to need them.
Sir, did you not just listen to this song that just came on a few seconds ago? No. I. Don't. Need. Anyone.
But no. He continues his speech, saying it's okay to be vulnerable. And that we should take the time to tell people in our lives that we do, in fact, need them.
I've been wrestling with this a lot lately, and I think, with those man's words being said, I can at least somewhat get over myself. There's plenty of scripture supporting the whole having-some-Christian-friends-as-back-up and I've written about it so many times. I know there's truth in it. It's okay to need someone. It's okay to rely on people. In fact, it's something God designed. Something I personally fail at. Because anymore, I'd rather be alone than admit my need. And that's called fear of being let down again. Or maybe even just straight up pride.
Whatever it is, we need people. We do. Of course, if everyone in the world walked out on us, God would still be right by our side. Always, always. His promises go a lot further than anyone else's ever could. And He never ever lets His promises fail on you. I'd promise you that, but you don't need to take my word for it. Take His. Turn to Him next time you're lonely, and you'll find that He will break your loneliness and give you Himself. He will. Just seek Him.
And hey, maybe He lets you feel lonely sometimes so you'll become desperate enough to go talk to Him. Maybe He lets you feel abandoned and hurt and let down by others so He can show you His perfect love in comparison. And from there, He'll help you trust people again. And change you so that others can trust you. He's got it. Just love Jesus. He'll take it from there.

Update:
After writing this, I ended up watching a good Steven Furtick sermon called "We All Suck", which was nice. Near the end of it, he talked about Galatians 6, one of my favorite chapters, and he mentioned how in verse 2, it says to "carry each other's burdens", but in verse 5 that "everyone should carry his own load". 
Um, a little contradictory? Nope. It's saying that you should help people with their burdens, but only God can help them with some things- those loads that you can't help someone else carry. You know? So, yes, we need God's love more than anything, and a lot of things are changed by Him alone. But there are those burdens that we should help others carry.
So, God's love is really all you need, just like that song said. Except God uses other people to show you His love and carry some of those burdens. So, by needing people at times, you're relying on God.
Just saying.

I refuse to be comforted.

No longer are they a faceless, nameless mass of hypothetical humans. There was once a time when I heard rumors of homeless walking my street, children starving in strange countries, teenagers being taken and sold as sex slaves, drug addicts searching desperately for old needles. They didn’t pertain to me or my comfortable life or my day-to-day whims. For all I knew, they didn’t exist, and if they did exist, it didn’t matter any to me. Introspection proved to be satiable for my mind; there was nothing worth pursuing other than my selfish desires and nothing worth chasing other than the wind.

Somewhere in the midst of the years of apathy, I found myself looking into the eyes of the homeless man. I found myself bumping shoulders with the girl who tried to kill herself, becoming acquainted with one of the starving children in Kenya, learning in graphic detail the story of the sex slave, holding conversations with the 14 year old girl who was afraid she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby. These weren’t hypothetical anymore. I now heard the desperate cry of the addict, the prayers of the teenager whose parents were alcoholics, the silence coming from the aborted. I felt the weakness of the bedridden in chronic pain, felt the tears on my shoulder from the one whose suicide failed, felt the guilt of the middle school student being forced into man-based, shame-driven “religion”, felt the anxiety of the wife whose husband is overseas for military purposes. I saw the hopelessness in their eyes, the shame burdening them, the cuts on their wrists, the complete lack of motivation, the disappointment found in trying to solve problems with sensual love, the failure hanging over their heads, their hatred of themselves for the porn they can’t get away from, the emptiness that now filled them.

Every lonely girl at lunch, every boy who constantly ridicules his peers, the person I keep making awkward eye contact with, and everybody whose shoes I have accidentally stepped on all have pain somewhere in them, maybe so deep that they will entrust it to no one. These are people, my closest friends even, with faces and stories and names and souls.

Now I find myself in tears, praying urgently for that girl somewhere in America who is about to abort her child. I pray desperately for the kid being beat right now by his drug abusing parents, for the heroin addict screaming with withdrawal, the baby born of sex trafficking being hidden in a closet as his mother is put to work, the man standing at the side of the road in the cold asking for food but wishing for vodka. I wake up in the morning and ask to see Jesus, and my mind is filled with graphic images of the hurting and the lost- the least of these. And I curse myself for not doing anything sooner. I question how much a prayer could really do, how much a portion of my paycheck helps to save souls, how much a friendly gesture could really effect someone’s life. How much of what I do is truly for the least of these? Is my life even showing the broken world that there is One who restores? How am I to justify myself when saying that I am a vessel of the fullness of God, yet doing nothing to show it? I still complain about my hair, get worked up over boys liking my friends instead of me, rant about my homework, and fight with my dad about getting a tattoo while there are people who lose their hair in chemotherapy, or get prostituted, or would do anything to get a decent education, or whose dad walked out on them when they were little and told them they were a mistake.

I refuse to be comforted. (Jeremiah 31:15)

Legalism

Welp, I tried to write a blog last night. Didn't go too well and I got distracted with some other things that God was sort of saying needed to be confronted. I deleted everything I'd written and admitted that I had nothing.
Hey, who doesn't love a good Christian Meme? Like, the closest you can be idolizing something without actually idolizing it is how I feel about Christian Memes. So, today this meme came up with good old Oversaved Oscar, who is probs my favorite meme since I can relate to him all too well and it's kinda a lot funny, yet tragic. Today Oversaved Oscar decided to Enter the Exit door, then repent for it. I laughed, because I do that. I legitmately do stupid things like that, thinking it'll make me more holy or whatever to enter the properly indicated door at the freaking Walmart. I, of course, had to comment on it, explaining that I still do this, as a legalistic habit, and a sir who also enjoys these memes and saw my comment added me on facebook, then asked for advice. Here's the problem- in the comment, I said that "Old legalistic habits die hard", implying that I no longer have legalistic struggles. Except I do, and very often, as it were. So when this guy, a seminary student in Florida, sends me a message telling me about his struggles and asking how I broke mine, I died a little on the inside. I had no idea what I was going to say to this guy! So, I just asked him what legalism was like in his life.

"All I know is its exhausting. It seems like I obey out of fear, and I don't know if I'm just not trying hard enough or if I'm being a legalist lol. I noticed I point out people's flaws in my head almost immediately."

AMEN, HUMAN. I feel you. So, I decided to roll with it.

"Ohmygoodness, yes! I feel you. Well. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and Bible reading about this and this is what I've got- perfect love casts out fear. Where fear is, love cannot be. That's not to say that if you feel like you're obeying out of fear, then there's no love in you. God pours love into your heart through the Holy Spirit, so there is love in you. But at any given moment, you can either be operating out of fear or love, but not both at the same time. That being said, you have to make a conscious effort to obey God just because you love Him and to not get wrapped up in the idolatry of self-condemnation or trying to be your own savior, you know? I definitely still struggle with this a lot. But it's a process. In all honesty, I should probably try to go read Galatians again and I'd recommend it for anyone who struggles with legalism. It's so difficult to embrace God's love sometimes. Because as humans, we want to be able to satisfy ourselves by feeling as if we can earn our religious points for the day and feel confident in our own efforts to be godly and righteous. I think it's just a matter of denying our right to worry about it or to look critically at others. And we'll need lots of Holy Spirit and prayers and stuff like that. Does that help any?"

So, person reading this blog right now- legalism. If you've got problems with it, this is all I've got and every bit of it was not of my own mental processing. Seek God. There's always hope, I promise you that. I can't help but feel overflowing hope right now. (Kinda, you know, like Romans 15:13- Now may God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace as you believe, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.) If you struggle with legalism, I know with quite a bit of conviction that there is a way, and God's gonna lead you (and honestly, myself) out of this. You know how it is, there's purpose in the pain. To quote a wonderful friend of mine, "it may feel like Satan's got you and won't let go, but in honesty, God's got you. And He won't let go."

Sudden Clarity #1

I had sudden clarity during a six hour car ride today, and so this is all I've got--

You can have peace that surpasses understanding about your pain in knowing that God has a purpose. A plan to prosper you, give you a future, to perfect you and place you on a firm foundation. This peace comes from losing yourself and your problems in His presence and by, with all prayer and petition, presenting your requests to God. And from being in His presence, you find a passion and a power to live for Him. Fix your eyes on Him, remembering His promises remain, remain patient, and praise Him in all circumstance.

Digest it, without spending too much time dedicated to figuring out why there are so many words beginning with P that pertain to Jesus. Because that confused me also.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6,7

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." -1 Peter 5:10

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18