Tonsils, Demons, Sinuses, and Other Matters

I don’t like posting this. It’s too personal for my own comfort, but you know, it’s good to get out of your comfort zone every once in a while. So for the past month especially, I’ve been doing uncomfortable things. I’ve been telling people about my struggles. Struggles I’ve had for long times that I never talked about before, because I knew no one would understand.

But, I was understood more than I thought I'd be. When the light met the dark, there was grace. Every time I opened up and was honest about things, I was met with grace and Truth. With hope and love. So, anyway, here’s some things I’ve learned recently. (If you wanna know where I’m coming from, try reading that post called “Hey, Tenth Avenue North!” It’s the story of my life.)

Thing is, I found out a lot about demons. Yeah, the things we don’t like to talk about. The invisible beings that we like to pretend don’t exist. Those. As it turns out, demons play a bigger part than I gave them credit for. They tell you things, scare you, latch on to you, give you hell. It’s true. The Bible (particularly Ephesians) has been very clear about it. Something I learned was that when you have sin in your life, it’s an open door to demonic activity. As a Christian, “possessed” by God, you cannot be possessed by a demon. But, you can be oppressed and tormented by demons. Hear me out; habitual sin such as fear, lust, drunkenness, or hatred creates strongholds in your life. They create a pattern of thinking and living. And demons, when they see that in your life, rush to it. They use that as a reason to torment you and bring you down. And once they’re there, safe in your stronghold, they’ll tear you up.

It’s not enough to try to ignore things like this. We truly are struggling against the world forces of this darkness, the principalities, the demons, the spiritual forces of wickedness. (Eph. 6) And ignoring just makes it worse. I’ve learned that you can’t just sit by and watch all of this happen. It’s necessary (and possible!) to overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. When Jesus died, He took the authority from Satan over us, and He gave the authority to us. And when we stand on the ground where Jesus defeated Satan and overwhelmed the grave, the battle is won. Our whole life, we will struggle, but who are we to throw away what Jesus’ blood did for us? Because of Him, we can have victory. We can overcome. So why do we live under Satan’s feet? Read Ephesians if you ever don’t know what to read. We are seated in the heavenly places. Satan is under our feet because of what Jesus has done!

Little bit of a demon rant there, but hey. I get excited when it comes to overcoming demons by the blood of my King.

In other news, I’ve been speaking to my pastor every week for a month, which is something I never thought I would do. Talk about insight. So many things have been revealed, including all the lies I’ve been believing. I was kinda forced to say all the things I never wanted to say; to verbalize the fear. And it was so much better once it was in the light. Once that was out, we talked about truth. Truth about God’s love that I had once doubted. Truth about my eternal identity in Him. One thing he said was that I needed an avenue- a way to get out all of the truth inside. So, hello blogging! You know, you can never really have something if you don’t let it go. So, out of faith I’m sharing these things, praying I’m using good stewardship and judgment. Also, my pastor and an elder in my church suggested that I have a friend who could build me up; one who I could be honest with. In James 5, it says to confess your sins to one another so we may be healed. When you’re open like that, it invites healing. Even with that encouragement, and after seeing the results being honest with my pastor has had, I still doubted the advice of having someone to be completely honest with. Is there really someone out there- flesh and blood- who I’d be able to be honest like that with?

Jeff Owen, the back-up vocalist from Tenth Avenue North, thinks so.

After a talk with my pastor involving finding someone to left me up, I came home to see that Jeff had answered a question I asked him on formspring. I was randomly creeping on his answers and I suddenly realized that the question I was reading was written by me. I was like “HEY!!! I wrote that!!” It was grand, considering I didn’t even know that the message went through. So, this is what Jeff Owen said when I said, “Hey Jeff :) I can't tell you how much I love y'alls music and how much it helps me day by day. But I've been struggling with crippling fear caused by lies I can't seem to conquer for years. Any advice? Bible verses?”

“Hey thanks, appreciate that. In my opinion you should talk to someone. Not in a "hey, you're insane and you should talk to a shrink," but you should find a set of tonsils. What I mean by that is that the body has this amazing way of fighting infection. If there is sickness in the body, the body sends the sickness to the tonsils to fight it out so that the rest of the body doesn't get sick. So I find that a good reason to have people in your life that can be your tonsils. Someone you love and trust, or a counselor that just simply...listens.

I'm sure you know a lot of scripture about fear. But what do you WITH the fear? Pretend it will go away?

Confront the fear by talking about it with someone. God will lead you through your confession and admitting that you cant do it alone. My wife and I have a counselor that we see from time to time. I never regret going. He helps me just talk through things and offers help. It's so good. Fear is just a lie, and a lie that forces us into solitude believing that we just have to "deal" with it. It can be overcome.”

And that was exactly what I needed to hear. Talk about a Holy Spirit moment. It confirmed all the things I’d been needing confirmed. He even used my favorite quote of all time: “Fear is Just a Lie”. So, now I’m looking for that set of tonsils. By the way, this was after I sent TAN the four page letter, haha.

(Also, an update if you‘ve read my testimony: I’ve found that others agree about my ‘sinus’ theory and have experienced similar symptoms. So, even though I’m not gonna find peace in a pill like sudafed, maybe God could use a sinus drug to help me. I sure hope so… If you didn’t read my testimony, you have no idea what this is talking about, but that’s okay. ;D)

Also, I’d like to make a quick little speech about the power of fasting. I decided, with prayer, that it would be a good idea to fast for three days about two months ago. No food for three days. It was amazing. I craved God! And during those three days, I felt God like I hadn’t felt Him in over a year. And He brought me to 2 Chronicles 20 for the third time in four days. It was crazy! Try reading 2 Chronicles 20 if you ever feel down; you will not regret it! In 2 Chronicles 20, the Israelites are about to be attacked by a vast army, and they fast and cry out to their God, “We do not have the power to face this vast army. We do not know what to do, O Lord, but our eyes are on You.” 

Ever been there?

So God tells them, “Do not fear! This battle is not yours, but the Lord’s. Go face them! Stand firm, and the Lord will be with you.” (This is a paraphrase, if you haven’t gathered that.)

Sure enough, they trusted God and He fought for them. They won. After worshipping Him, they spent three days just going through the plunder! The abundance was incredible, and all they did was let God take control. That’s it. They stood firm (like we are told to do in Ephesians 6), and faced their enemy. Just think about it.

This is truth from the Word of God. Not just wishful thinking; not just what someone wishes would happen. It’s the truth of God’s grace.

I realize this post has been very ramble-y, but it’s sort of a bunch of things thrown together.  I won’t do it again, probably. Trust me, I DO like organization. Sometimes.

Last thought before I go off to contemplate why I would post such a thrown-together thing: this verse kept coming up. And it was wonderful.

1 Peter 5:7-11

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ⁷ Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

⁸ Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

¹⁰ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ¹¹ All power to him forever! Amen.

"Hey, Tenth Avenue North!"

Below is an (almost) unedited copy of the extensive letter I wrote to the members of Tenth Avenue North to be put in a book called "Beyond Words" that will be given to the band as a collection. I heard about it on Twitter the last day before the deadline while I was trying to pack for vacation! This is my testimony- all the ugly truth laid; the light meeting the dark.So if you ever wonder where I'm coming from, here's my explanation.

Hey Mike, Jason, Jeff, Ruben, and Brendon!!

Let me just start off by saying that the first time I saw you guys perform in 2010, I have no idea what you sang or said, because I was sitting in the back cutting myself. I was kind of rebellious at that time. You guys are now my absolute favorite band of all time. The end. But you know, I don’t think a letter to you guys would be complete unless I told you what your songs have done for my life.

                I don’t say this often, but for the past eight years I’ve been struggling with obsessive fear and extreme anxiety caused by lies. It started when I was eight years old, when a random thought of cursing God popped into my mind. I freaked out, as you can imagine an eight year old would. I cried and screamed and believed I was all alone, now condemned to hell and unforgivable. Fallen from grace and broken beyond repair. I hid from God, ashamed. How could I ever look to God again and say, “Hey! I just had a thought of cursing You in my mind and I feel like I’m going to hell now. Just thought I’d let You know! Okay, now let’s continue on with life.” And how could I ever tell anyone else? That just wasn’t normal! So, I‘d run from God and try to not think about it. Thus, my life became a game. How long could I go without thinking about the torture? How long could I go without letting that thought come back? How long did I have to cry in order to make reparation for my sin?

                With time, the torture faded. I’d get distracted. You know, school, boys, Internet. And I’d push those thoughts back inside of me. Eventually I said, “Hey! I guess I’m still a Christian! Well, I better be careful to not let that come back! Otherwise I may not be so lucky next time. I hope they don’t come back…” But they did. They got stronger. My whole body would become paralyzed when a thought would show its face. And I was so confused! What were thoughts about cursing and hating God doing in me? I didn’t even want them there. But, they’d fade again, if I could find something to focus on instead. Idolatry became my weapon against the voices, but all it got me was covering up torment on the inside, putting on a happy face at church and pretending I really am good enough.

                For years, idolatry and distractions (boys, boys, boys…) kept my mind off of it. I mean, it was still in the back of my mind, but at least it didn’t control me. It was deep inside, safe and sound. Nobody needed to know; especially not God. Somewhere in this time, 2010 happened and my mom became in love with your song “By Your Side”, because God had proven to be by her side when she was sick without explanation and close to death. And she loved you guys! Every two seconds it was “Tenth Avenue North! Look! They have a myspace!” and I was like “Ohmygosh, I don’t care! They probably don’t even love God. They probably just think they’re cool because they all look good.” I apologize for such wrong thinking. ;) And in the very midst of my boy obsession/distraction from torment, I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert, which, you know, didn’t go so well with me. Cutting. (I’m still so mad about that! I missed Tenth Avenue North over a boy!?!) You guys were wonderful, so I was told. But, there was hope. Just five month later, I found myself really wanting a legit relationship with Christ. I vowed to really be sold out for Him, and I surrendered myself. Oh, my God captured my heart. I realized He was all I needed and I was soon head over heels. He called me to be a writer for Him, and I couldn’t have been more pleased. I was filled with love and joy like I’d never experienced before.

                But, I had much more room to grow. His Holy Spirit showed me that I had an idol in my life that was driving a wedge between the two of us by keeping my thoughts on it all the time. So, with His grace, I was able to let go.

                If I only would’ve known…

                With that idol gone, there was now room in my thoughts for that thing I’d pushed down to come back and haunt me. And it did. When I was fifteen (a year after that TAN concert) the thoughts came back. And it was torture. I cried, as I had before, scared and ashamed. But this time, something was very different. I knew God now. He was my best friend. I no longer believed I had a right to hide from Him. With LOTS of prompting from His Spirit (even using “Healing Begins” and “Beloved’s line, “The past you’re afraid I might see”), I finally was honest to God. I told Him what was going on, knowing that He already saw it all. I wasn’t fooling Him by hiding.

                And that honesty opened doors. Since the voices came back a year and a half ago, I’ve seen the stress take its weight physically. I have trouble breathing and my heart often is in literal pain, and I now have this weird thing that causes blood to rush to my sinuses and press on my brain, shutting down certain functions. I often go entire days or weeks under these symptoms, gasping for breath and unable to see clearly or think properly. I mean, it’s constant chaos. But in this struggle, God has shown me grace. Unfailing love. Over and over again, in my deepest darkest pain, God has proven that His love is over and underneath. Inside and in between. That my times are in His hands. Just one example of the wonderful, loving things He has done for me was when one day when I had awful head symptoms and was confused and hurt, I asked God to play a Tenth Avenue North song for me on the radio when I got in the car, since you were now my favorite band. You know, to prove He loved me. After asking, I realized that I shouldn’t test God, so I took it back and forgot about it. Yet, when I got in the car, the bridge to “You Are More” played. I was like, “Uh, thanks.” But I wasn’t actually believing the words I was hearing you sing. So I had Bible Study that night, and on the way there, “By Your Side” played on the radio. And then, when I left Bible Study, when I sat down in the car, the bridge to “You Are More” played. Again.

                Although this struggle has worn me down, it has opened my eyes. I’ve learned more about myself and my God in the past year and a half then I have in my entire churched life; glory be to God. I’ve learned that I am loved unfailingly. I’ve learned that God’ longs to pour grace on me. I am not too far from grace. Fear is just a lie. Satan can put voices in my head and confuse me. But even though Satan is the father of lies and seek so kill and destroy me, Jesus is the Truth and He wants to give me life! Perfect love casts out fear. God promised to never leave me. His Spirit groans over me. Jesus suffocated on the cross so I could breathe freely in Him. The crown of thorns was dug into His head so I could use my mind how He wants me to. It’s not only okay to tell God how I feel, but it’s necessary. It’s not love any other way. He’ll break open the skies to save those who cry out His name. The one the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save me. His blood can cover me. I am more than my fear. Fear addict is not my name. I am a child of God who just so happens to struggle with fear. But hallelujah! We are free to struggle; We’re not struggling to be free.

                With the encouragement of Healing Begins, I’ve been open like never before, being honest with my friends and my family and my pastor and youth pastor. And I really am healing because of it. People pray for me. I am able to be honest. I am forced to spew out the lies that I believe into the light, and there is grace. You know, “Empty My Hands” has shown to be my favorite song of all time. That song is a description of my life. Because of God’s grace, He is emptying my hands of these fears. He is filling up my heart with His love and promises, so that I can breathe. He is capturing my mind with Him, so that I can think again. And you know, I am still struggling, but that’s okay, because He is by my side and He is the Lord. I’m taking it one day at a time. I know there’s hope, because one day grace will wash away my fear forever. One day He’ll wipe away our last tear as He holds us close to His heart. One day, we’ll be with Him, face-to-face. Forever. His love binds us to Him. We’ll be in love and unashamed for eternity. But for now, we just take it one day at a time, praying for heaven on earth and the grace to believe that we are more by the blood of Jesus.

                So, Tenth Avenue North, I want to thank you. Thank you for your concerts, thank you for your music, thank you for pouring your hearts out. Thank you for sacrificing so much to do what you do. Your music helps me every day, and every song clings to my heart and gives me another reason to praise God. I own all your albums (except for the old ones you made before you got the record label… you know they go for $80 now?) and I am beyond psyched for The Struggle! I also have the UR> shirt, the bracelet, the poster…. Etc. : ) I keep praying that you guys will be able to do what God has called you to do without the annoying, fleshy distractions that so easily entangle us, since you guys have been so honest about that being a problem. I can’t say thank you enough. Oh, and by the way, I don’t cut anymore.

                One last thing… Hey, Mike! My youth pastor says he went to high school with you. You know, Frederickburg Christian. He was a couple years older than you. He showed me the yearbook to prove it, since he knows I ADORE you guys and everybody I know at school and youth group all pick on my for constantly talking about Tenth Avenue North. (You sure have changed a lot!) He’s your friend on Facebook, too! But anyway, he said that he kept trying to get in contact with you, but his wife and I have to keep reminding him that he really isn’t best friends with you like he thinks he is. ;) He said that his friend got her youth group backstage or something and he’s all, “Come on, Mike!!” and we’re all, “You don’t know him!”

                Okay, I lied about that being the last thing. One last thing. My best friend, Mercy, and I were there when you guys filmed the “Losing” music video in Fredericksburg. That was so great! You probably don’t remember this, Mike, but you looked right at me and sang “The Truth is Who You Are” and said something about grace. It was great, because “Grace” is my nickname and that is my favorite concept of all time. So thank you.

                I lied again about that being the last thing. One last thing and I promise I’ll stop! I got tired of waiting for you guys to take a picture with Mercy and I, who love you guys to death, so I drew a picture of the two of us with Mike. I will tweet it to you… so if you ever see that, remember that it was the girl with voices in her head and who was in the “Losing” music video. ;)

Another grateful fan,

Hannah Durham

PS: I adore Mrs. Donehey's and Mrs. Owen's blog!

Satisfy

        If you were asked to give the definition for the word “satisfy”, what would you say? Really, think about it. Would you say that to “satisfy” is to fill up, or to make happy, or something like that? “Satisfy” is a theme that I’ve seen come up often in God’s Word, and it had left an impact on my life. But I didn’t really get it until I saw the definition of the word.

sat·is·fy

1. To gratify the need, desire, or expectation of.

2. To fulfill (a need or desire).

3. To free from doubt or question; assure.

4. To discharge (a debt or obligation, for example) in full.

5. To make reparation for; redress.

           Honestly, those definitions just blew everything out of the water for me.  So, let’s look at it a bit at a time. First things first, we know that Jesus’ sacrifice satisfied the Father’s wrath. What Jesus did on the cross discharged our debt to God in full. His death fulfilled the need for a blood sacrifice in order for us to have a relationship with Him. It made reparation for our sins. It satisfied. It didn’t make God happy to see His Son die, but His sacrifice satisfied Him. This blows me away.

            Knowing that Jesus has satisfied the Father for us and discharged us from our debt in full, let’s look at what else God’s Word says about “satisfy”.  Psalm 17: 15 says, “And I- in righteousness I will see your face when I awake, and I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.” David was saying that when he wakes up in the morning, all he wants is to see is God’s face, and that would satisfy him. He wanted to be satisfied first thing in the morning, so he could remain satisfied for the rest of the day. David believed that God would fulfill the needs, desires, and expectations in his life.  He believed that God was everything he wanted or needed, and His love would satisfy him and be all he needed in order to live.

            And okay, so it’s good to be satisfied. We were made to be satisfied. But, we were also made to not be satisfied. Don’t check out yet! Spending time in the Word, I believe, has shown me specifically two things to be satisfied with and two things to not be satisfied with.

To Be Satisfied

            So, how easy is it to try to satisfy ourselves with something other than God? I mean, how many of us wake up with absolutely no one or nothing on our mind and hearts than Jesus? I’m sure some do, and that’s great, but how many of us continue the whole day completely satisfied by Him, not feeling compelled to turn to anything else? Who really goes the whole day not desiring attention or affection or approval or acceptance from the world? But that’s just what wants us to receive from Him.

            You see, if we find our identities in Christ and are a child of God and are marked by the Holy Spirit, we are found in Him. We don’t need to struggle to belong in the world, because by the blood of Jesus, we belong in His arms. Psalm 139:17-18 tells us that He thinks about us all the time- individually! His thoughts about each one of us outnumber the grains of sand. So believe me when I say that all of the attention you could ever need or want can be found in Him. His affection for you is great. (Just look at Isaiah 41 or 43, or Psalm 139, or the cross.) You’ve been accepted by Him. You’ve been approved. Be satisfied with that instead of striving to find those things in the world. No matter how hard you try, if you’re trying to satisfy yourself with the world’s acceptance, affection, attention, and approval, you’re always going to be empty inside. God is enough. He promised He’d be everything you need. In John 6, Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.” Whoever goes to Him will be satisfied in their soul.

            And looking at the definition of “satisfy”, you can see that God satisfies in every way possible. Other than fulfilling every need and desire, He frees us from doubt. His promises and Truth free us to live in grace and love, trusting Him instead of doubting and allowing fear to rule our lives. He made reparation to the Father for us. We’re talking He who knew no sin became sin for us so that we might become the righteousness of God. I think it’s safe to say His love satisfies. He satisfies. He’s worthy of satisfying us. Isaiah 66:11 says (and before you read this, know that in verse 13 it says that God is also a mother figure to His children. Weird to think about, but I promise it’s in there!) “For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance.” Not only does He satisfy when you drink in deep, but you end up delighting in overflowing abundance. God goes beyond satisfaction. (Matt. 14:20)

            The second thing I found that God wants us to be satisfied with (Yeah, I counted that last thing as one thing. I don’t know.) is who God made us to be. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others- looking in the distorted mirror of the world instead of the mirror of Christ. You were fearfully and wonderfully made, blessed with unique talents and a unique soul. This is simple, but doesn’t it slip our minds so often?  Since we are made in God’s image, it’s His will for us to be satisfied with how He made us. That means our physical appearance, our soul, our talents, our circumstances.  That means not trying to be someone we’re not and praising God for how wonderfully and fearfully made we are. If you take it a step further, it could also mean being satisfied with how God made others.

To Not be Satisfied

            Legalism. Complacency. These are two things that Christians know they should avoid like the plague. But when it gets down to it, they’re both matters of satisfaction.

            Ahh, legalism. I think the very attitude of the L word that Jesus used to describe the Pharisees could be summed up by a note for Matthew 18 in the NIV Student Bible that said, “If I manage to meet all the requirements of a strict rule book, I may begin to feel secure about my goodness. In fact, I may even think I have earned God’s approval through my own efforts. Both Jesus’ enemies (the Pharisees) and His friends (the disciples) seek a precise list of rules so they can feel they have fulfilled their obligations to God, which then gives them a sense of satisfaction. To such people, Jesus shouts a loud, ‘No!’”

            Sometimes I convince myself that my works satisfy God. “Well, I just read a chapter in my Bible. Therefore, my religious duties have been fulfilled for the day. God is satisfied now. I may now continue.” But that kind of thinking is selfish. I don’t really wanna satisfy God when I’m thinking like that; I wanna satisfy myself! I’m trying to make myself feel good about my self-righteousness. That’s legalism! If I really wanted to satisfy my God, I’d remember that it’s by Jesus’ sacrifice that God was satisfied and salvation is a gift, not a reward. In John 6: 28-29, Jesus was inquired by a crowd who wanted to know “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the One he has sent.” You know, He did all the work for us. Instead of trying to satisfy ourselves by being “religious” enough, we should be satisfied by believing that we don’t have to be “religious”. Instead of being legalistic, we should walk in the liberty that Christ gave us. Easier said than done, but I believe it begins by being honest at how you are satisfied. I can promise you that if you’re being religious so you can feel satisfied, your love relationship with the Lover of your soul will be compromised. He will always love you, but operating this way will make you like a Pharisee- your mouth may glorify Him, but your heart will be far away. But on the bright side, you will be satisfied with feeling that you saved yourself by your own strength… not that it will get you anywhere but desperate for God’s grace.

             

        Complacency is defined by “self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies”. Sadly, this is often the reality of many of us. We get to the point where we’re satisfied with where we are with God, unaware or apathetic to our spiritual deficiencies. There’s so much more God could do with us, so much farther into His heart we could press into. But sometimes we like where we’re at. We’re comfortable. You know how it is. An example could be maybe we want to be close enough to God to leech off His benefits, but not close enough to actually get called to do something uncomfortable. Maybe we like having God on Sunday mornings, but when it comes to school, we have our own lives to live. Your relationship is “good enough”, but you’re scared that if you go any further, God might actually try to, y’know, rule your life or something. Imagine that. You’re satisfied, and that’s that. Don’t be satisfied with where you are with God! There’s always more! Think about your eternity- you’re gonna spend all of eternity learning something new about Him, being brought closer to the One you love. There is always more. Don’t settle for self-satisfaction accompanied by unawareness of deficiencies.

            I guess you could say satisfaction is a big part of a Christian’s life. I mean, we’re all made to be satisfied, but in God’s eyes, there are certain ways to do it. (You know, we’re called to have an insatiable love for Jesus, the One who satisfies. Try thinking that through.) Of course, I’m not saying “Do not enjoy your life! Don’t let anything make you happy!” All I’m saying is that if you let God satisfy you, He’ll be everything you need, and as a result of letting Him satisfy you, you'll come back wanting more. As a final thought, take a look at Deuteronomy 8:10-18, and don’t forget to drink deeply and delight in the overflowing abundance. Love satisfies.

Christianity isn't about how much faith you have.

                So, you know the story of the faith of the centurion. You know, Matthew 8: 5-13. A Roman official, a centurion, came to Jesus asking for help because his servant was paralyzed and in terrible suffering.  Jesus answered his call for help by saying, “I will go and heal him.”

                But the centurion said, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed…”

                Good answer, right? Jesus thought so. He was astonished, scripture says. And Jesus said to the crowd, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith…” And to the centurion He said, “Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.” And the servant was healed, long-distance.

                I always believed that the reason Jesus healed long-distance like that was because this centurion had so much faith. I mean, he astonished the Creator of the Universe! Of course Jesus would do a miracle like that for someone with so much faith! So, I always left this story wishing I had more faith, feeling a bit guilty or maybe even self-despising for my lack of faith. How was Jesus supposed to do anything in my life if my faith wasn’t big enough?

                Okay, let’s go to John 4:46-54 to the story of the doubting-official-with-the-tired-faith’s son. I’m guessing you’re not as familiar with this story as with the centurion, but it’s there. Thank God it’s there.

                So, Jesus is in Galilee, in the place where He once turned water into wine. While he’s there, there’s this royal official whose son was currently lying sick at home, dying. This official had heard about Jesus, so he goes to Jesus and begs him to come and heal his son. (46-47)

                Jesus told him, “Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders, you will never believe.” (48)

                Weird answer, right? But it makes sense. How many times have you begged God for a miracle with your faith tired and your doubt threatening to pull you away from Him? How many times have you felt that you have barely enough faith just to ask God for help, but beyond that, your faith fails you? Maybe you felt a miracle or a sign was the only thing that could revive your dead faith.

                So, how does the official answer to that? “Sir, come down before my child dies.” (49) He’s impatient. Jesus is telling this guy what He needs and reaching into His tired soul, and the guy answers by saying, “Dude, would you just hurry up? My kid’s dying. If You don’t get down there, the kid’s gonna die. You don’t have time to waste!” Maybe this guy’s fighting for more than just a dying kid. I think his faith is dying, too. He doesn’t even believe that Jesus knows how to manage His time when it comes to saving a life. By saying this, he’s agreeing that he needs signs and wonders to believe.

                If I were Jesus, I would’ve said, “Fine. If you don’t trust me, that’s your problem. Your faith isn’t big enough for me, anyway.” But what Jesus said was, “You may go. Your son will live.” (50)

                Long-distance healing? Verses 50-53 say that the man just took Jesus for his word, struggling with his doubt, and went on home. His servant told him that his son had been healed. You’d think he’d be overwhelmed with the miracle and accept the truth, but even then, he feels the need to ask when his kid got better, just to make sure it happened when this Jesus guy said it would happen, just to make sure he really was healed because of this Man. Then, he believed.

                This official’s faith was nothing compared to the centurion. But Jesus performed the miracle anyway. Jesus knew his faith was small and his doubts consumed him, yet he healed his son. Jesus knew that this man at least had the faith to ask Him for help, and that one step of faith was enough.

                I once heard it said by the lead singer, Mike Donehey, of my favorite band, Tenth Avenue North, that “Christianity isn’t about how much faith you have; it’s about Who your faith is in.”

                If we can just take the step to believe that Jesus can help us, even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed, He will meet us where we are and He will build our faith. He’ll help us believe. He’ll overwhelm you with mercy and grace in spite of yourself. Tell Him that you’re struggling to believe. Be honest with Him. Ask Him to give you the faith to trust what He says. He will be there for you. God is good, amen?

Busted Heart (Hold on to Me)- for KING & COUNTRY